Thursday, March 31, 2016

The Squared Oval (Office)

You guys know what's really sad? Baseball, the longest and saddest season of any sport, is set to have its opening day within the next couple days. Then, they play all the way until November. Too long of a season. 

Except that the presidential election is still on the OTHER side of that finish line, and we've been dealing with it for nigh-on a year now. This presidential process has been a sight to see as a white man who is safe from judgement. The commercials and sound bites coming from the campaigns seem more like professional wrestling than political discourse. I mean, why not, since Donald Trump has been there and done that, MAGNIFICENTLY AND OPULENTLY, of course.

It got me to thinking. What would other political discourse look like, if presidents were more like professional wrestlers?

Here's a refresher video on how professional wrestlers give their promos from one of the greats:


There's quite a few historical jokes hidden inside these bonafide wrestleman speeches, so I've handily created a second post, here, to reference. The presidents are in chronological order, and any text in italics is a real and true quote from the President in question.

James Madison
“He’s a small man, Jeem, out there in the ring. Physically outclassed by nearly every opponent he comes across. But I’ll be DAMNED if he doesn’t wrestle with the best!”
“That’s right, he’s the architect of the best alliances and teams this wrestling confederation has ever seen. In fact, it’s not a wrestling confederation anymore, thanks to him, but a wrestling republic1!”

If men were angels, no government would be necessary. But men aren’t angels, and I’m CERTAINLY no angel. I’m a DEMON, ooh, and I’M coming from Hell for you, Samuel Adams. You smell a rat at my convention2? Well you’ll be smelling lots when you’re down in the sewers after I THROW YOU DOWN THE DRAIN THIS SUNDAY. YOU BETTER STAY IN BOSTON. COME TO VIRGINIA AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.”


James Monroe
“I’m here to tell all of you fancy pants snobs from the European Wrestling Union that this is MY turf and I will handle the disputes and you BETTER keep on your side of that pond because there will be HELL to pay if you try and impede. Call it the Monroe Doctrine3, or better yet, cause of THE SLAMS YOU’D GET IF YOU TRIFLED, the Monroe Sock-trine. Cause I’d sock you one. I’m James Monroe, and I’m not a very good wrestler.”

Andrew Jackson
Backstage, in the hallways, Jackson is walking with the aid of a walking stick, when from out of a supply closet jumps a would-be attacker. Bah gawd! He takes aim at Jackson with one pistol, but it misfires. He takes aim with a second pistol, but it misfires as well. So Jackson begins beating the crap out of the man with the cane, so hard that his allies and teammates need to pry him off of the man before he begins committing attempted murder4.


“Let me just say one thing here. You must pay the price if you wish to secure the blessing. And JOHN QUINCY, you better believe I’m gonna make you PAY A HIGH PRICE FOR MY BLESSING. A HIGH PRICE OF 8 ROUNDS IN THE RING WITH ME. No Corrupt Bargain5 is gonna save you now, Johnny, and not even your Daddy, John ‘Nature Boy’ Adams can help you when I’m coming WITH THE PEOPLE BEHIND ME.”

William Henry Harrison
He exits the tunnel to massive applause and fireworks. He soaks it in, strutting from side to side, egging on the crowd to cheer harder. He’s got them wrapped around his finger. More fireworks go off, the cheering gets louder. He’s preforming tricks on the entrance stage, cartwheels and handstand pushups. They’re eating it up. They can’t wait to see him take on his opponent.

On his way down to the ring he collapses from exhaustion and doesn’t even wrestle6.

James K. Polk
“Bah gawd, when he was challenged to a 54’ 40” or Fight match, we thought he’d be crazy to take it, but here he comes down the ramp, and calm as you please! And after last week’s takedown of Guadalupe AND Hidalgo7 that shook up the ENTIRE Republic of Wrestling, he has pretty good reason to! He’s strutting around the ring, waiting for the British to come and face him and they’re not comin’ Jeem, they’re not coming! He’s gonna keep makin’ his crew bigger and bigger and it doesn’t seem like anyone can stop him! He’s only been in the RoW for a single term and look what’s he’s done!”

Foreign powers do not seem to appreciate the true character of our government and BUDDY THIS SUNDAY they’re going to FIND OUT and FIND OUT GOOD. I means to annex this Manifest Destiny and I’m gonna get that goal DONE. THIS SUNDAY. TRY OUR CHARACTER.”

Millard Fillmore
*exits tunnel to humongous cheers which quickly die when they notice that he is, in fact, not Alec Baldwin, and meekly goes backstage again8*

Abraham Lincoln
“Now see, this was a hard fight, and Abe just got Jefferson Davis down for the pin count. He’s a tired man and, OH MAN LOOK OUT ABE.”

Four score and seven hours from now, I am going to TAKE IT to Robert E. Lee, so if you’re watching Bobby, you better be quaking in those grey boots of yours because MY TROOPS ARE MARCHING ON, BOBBY, MARCHING THEIR BOOTS RIGHT ON OVER YOUR TREASONOUS FACE, GLORY GLORY AND HALLELUJAH. You’re most likely to secede, but I’m most likely to SUCCEED OOH, yes. I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends, AND BOBBY I’M NEVER MAKING YOU MY FRIEND OOH YES so that means I’LL JUST HAVE TO DESTROY YOU THE OL’ FASHIONED WAY-”
-Gen. Sherman9, from background- “That’s right, that’s right!”
“-WITH THESE 26 INCH PYTHONS, nah, call ‘em ANACONDAS CAUSE THEY’RE CHOKING THE LIFE OUTTA YOU10.”


Andrew Johnson
*Leaves tunnel to loudest and longest chorus of boos anyone in the world has ever experienced, me booing the hardest11*

Grover Cleveland
“Now, this man right here has something to prove in the ring tonight. He’s looking to become a two time World Champion, non-consecutive of course.12

I have tried so hard to do right, but you give me no choice but to TAKE YOU DOWN HARD AND FAST this Sunday. I have TRIED so hard to be memorable, but seriously, that non-consecutive thing is about it for me! Fight me!”

Teddy Roosevelt
“Bah gawd, that’s Teddy’s music!” Roosevelt makes a big show at the entrance, preening and flexing for all of his screaming fans as video of a Bull Moose charging through snow plays on the big screen behind him13. Finally, he makes his way down to the ring, giving high fives to the crowds behind the fencing. But what’s this? It turns out, one of his opponents, John Flammang Schrank, was hiding in the crowd! Look out Teddy, the crowd shrieks, but Schrank delivers a folding chair straight to Roosevelt’s back. As he’s assaulted by the rest of Teddy’s crew, Teddy calmly stands up and takes stock of himself, and decides to get into the ring anyway14.

“Oh man, Wilson and Taft15 are really going at it in the ring here, a match of two titans if I’ve ever seen it and- well, what’s this? I don’t believe it! Teddy Roosevelt has left the entrance with no fanfare, sprinting towards our ring, and neither one of ‘em have noticed it! Oh man, he’s a man on a mission! He slides into the ring, and- MAH GAWD HE JUST NEAR BROKE ‘IM IN HALF! Ladies and gentlemen, Teddy Roosevelt came to the ring walking softly and just near broke a full tree trunk over the back of his opponent!”
“Now if that isn’t the biggest stick I’ve ever seen, Jeem.”16


It behooves every man to remember that the work of the critic is of altogether secondary importance, and that, in the end, progress is accomplished by the man who does things. SO SIT YOUR HATER BUTT BACK ON THE BENCH BECAUSE COMIN’ THIS SUNDAY I’M GOING TO BE THE MAN WHO DOES THINGS. THINGS LIKE PILEDRIVERS. THINGS LIKE PUNCHIN’ YOU INTO NEXT CENTURY. THINGS LIKE GIVIN’ YOU A SQUARE DEAL17 WITH MY RIGHT HEEL. CAUSE I’M A BULL MOOSE AND YOU’RE A SPRING GOOSE. I GO ON JUNGLE SAFARIS AND YOU’RE CHOKING ON SORRYS. TEDDY OUT.”

Herbert Hoover
“Well I’ll be Jeem, the Bonus Army has gone and filled up the entire ring! They’ve called on nearly every wrestler they have at their disposal and- BAH GAWD THAT’S HOOVER’S MUSIC. Here he comes from the entrance at a full sprint and he’s got the Army behind him. OH GAWD IT’S A SLAUGHTER THEY’RE TOSSIN’ OUT THEIR OPPONENTS LEFT AND RIGHT! Never have I seen such disrespect for our federation’s veterans!”18

“I’m here to tell all of you LAZEABOUTS that it’s time to GET OFF YOUR FANNY and get to volunteerism because I NEED THAT DOUGH TO ROLL, BABY, I NEED THAT DOUGH TO ROLL. Roll like my tanks over your protesting faces. Roll like you will need to roll with the PUNCHES THAT I DEAL OUT THIS SUNDAY. I will RUIN you. I’ve ruined so many men before you that they have entire towns of ruined men named after me!”19

Franklin Roosevelt
*One man shouts “Give him the chair!” rest of crowd is shunned into awkward silence around him*20

I have nothing to fear but fear itself, but Hitler, ooh, Hitler and his whole crew have a lot to fear. A lot. Starting with the POWER of FDR. Then the STRENGTH of FDR. Then the WILL of FDR. You’ve got to fear me, Axis Powers. I WILL PUT THE BOOT DOWN ON YOU EVEN IF IT MEANS KEEPING STALIN ON MY TEAM. Here’s a New Deal21 for ya- DEAL WITH IT, OR GET OUT OF THE RING. I’m gonna W-P-A, WHOOPA YOUR A-S-S ASS22.


JFK
A massive diva battle royale is in progress in the center ring. Hair pulling, face slapping, the whole 9 yards. JFK suddenly appears at the announcers table, but doesn’t seem to be too interested in talking. “They, er, uh, are all fighting ovahr me.”

“Er, uh, listen up Fidel and the rest of you Commers in Cuber. Ask nawt what you can do fahr your country, but ask what you can do TO GET OUT OF MY SOIGHTS BECAUSE I’M ER UH CAHMING FAHR YOU. You PIGS are gawnna be in a BAY of PAIN23 when I’m through with you. I may have stahrted the Peacer Cahr but I’m nawt gawnna let YOU get away that easy.”

Lyndon B. Johnson
Video from backstage sees Johnson leering over would-be competitors as he pressures them into forfeiting matches and joining his wrestling crew. They all do.

“This one is your title belt, sir.”
“I’m the President, son, they’re all my title belt.”24

Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is YOURS TO LOSE IF YOU STEP TO ME AND JUMBO. Jumbo is the name of my weiner and I’m seriously not kidding about this I call my weiner Jumbo25. I will WRECK YOU and PISS WITH THE DOOR OPEN26 because I’m the President and I know that I can get away with ANYTHING and that includes DROPPING THE BIG PISSED-ON BOOT27 ON YOU, VIETNAM and CAMBODIA and LAOS28. This SOCIETY is gonna be GREAT29 once I’ve thrown you out of that ring and into the Gulf of TONKIN CAUSE BUDDY I’VE GOT UNLIMITED POWER THESE DAYS30.”

Richard Nixon
“Boy, opening relations with China, ending the Vietnam War, working on domestic issues as well… I have NEVER seen such a dramatic turn from face to heel in mah life, Jeem. Bah gawd, it’s like he’s a different man.”

“Let me get one thing clear. You do NOT want to be on my list of enemies31. If you’re on my list, then you’re in for a world of pain. I won’t be angry with you. Don’t get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects. You don’t want to be erased, and in 18 and a half minutes32, you can expect exactly that to happen. Don’t think my secretary can’t make you disappear like so many transcripts.”

Reminder: Real life quotes are presented in italics.

Ronald Reagan
Reagan enters the ring as “Real American” plays over the loudspeaker. A wall splinters apart as he runs through it on his way to the ring33. The fans all throw jellybeans into the arena34. Later, he takes a nap.35

If you can’t make them see the light, make them feel the heat and GORBY36 IF YOU’RE LISTENING I’M GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL THAT HEAT REAL GOOD. I’M GONNA SMACK THAT WINE STAIN YOU CALL A BIRTHMARK RIGHT OFFA YOUR HEAD. This Sunday is gonna be like the Fourth of July because I’M BRINGING THE FIREWORKS, BABY. I don’t negotiate with enemies or trade them weapons for hostages either37 so you better BELIEVE I’m settling this in the RING.”



Anyway vote Bernie bye

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