Thursday, March 31, 2016

The Squared Oval (Office)

You guys know what's really sad? Baseball, the longest and saddest season of any sport, is set to have its opening day within the next couple days. Then, they play all the way until November. Too long of a season. 

Except that the presidential election is still on the OTHER side of that finish line, and we've been dealing with it for nigh-on a year now. This presidential process has been a sight to see as a white man who is safe from judgement. The commercials and sound bites coming from the campaigns seem more like professional wrestling than political discourse. I mean, why not, since Donald Trump has been there and done that, MAGNIFICENTLY AND OPULENTLY, of course.

It got me to thinking. What would other political discourse look like, if presidents were more like professional wrestlers?

Here's a refresher video on how professional wrestlers give their promos from one of the greats:


There's quite a few historical jokes hidden inside these bonafide wrestleman speeches, so I've handily created a second post, here, to reference. The presidents are in chronological order, and any text in italics is a real and true quote from the President in question.

James Madison
“He’s a small man, Jeem, out there in the ring. Physically outclassed by nearly every opponent he comes across. But I’ll be DAMNED if he doesn’t wrestle with the best!”
“That’s right, he’s the architect of the best alliances and teams this wrestling confederation has ever seen. In fact, it’s not a wrestling confederation anymore, thanks to him, but a wrestling republic1!”

If men were angels, no government would be necessary. But men aren’t angels, and I’m CERTAINLY no angel. I’m a DEMON, ooh, and I’M coming from Hell for you, Samuel Adams. You smell a rat at my convention2? Well you’ll be smelling lots when you’re down in the sewers after I THROW YOU DOWN THE DRAIN THIS SUNDAY. YOU BETTER STAY IN BOSTON. COME TO VIRGINIA AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.”

The Squared Oval (Office) Cheat Sheet

Hey howdy this is the post that explains that other post. If you got here without finding the last one, man are you confused.
  1. James Madison wrote the large majority of the Constitution which replaced the Articles of Confederation as the United States’ ruling document, changing the structure of the American government from a loose confederation of states to a federalist republic. Believe me, this reference is hilarious.