Friday, December 28, 2012

Let's Make Amends


            Howdy! I’m currently pulling an all nighter? Why, you may ask? Well, no reason. I don’t have work or responsibilities of any kind tomorrow so I wanted to see if I could still do it. Obviously, I’m getting a little loopy, or so says the leprechaun in the corner. So as a challenge to myself, I’m going to see how well I can describe the 27 amendments to the Constitution (American Constitution, that is. Lookin’ at you, Ecuador). Obviously, it won’t be very well at all, but that’s half the fun right?
And as we all know, the fun half is the South Half!

1. The Right to Free; Speech, Press, Religion, Petition, and Gathering
            This one is pretty big. You’re likely to have heard of it. It’s what guarantees that we cannot be jailed for speaking out against the government, although Lord knows that not every President has followed this rule. It also affords the press the same right to speech in publication that citizens receive. Especially important to note when discussion the First Amendment: It only applies to governmental bodies. I can delete your comments off of my Facebook status, and that’s not infringing your First Amendment rights. You can be fired for, say, flipping off a memorial at Arlington National Cemetery, or saying the N-word several times a second, and as long as your employer isn’t the United States Government, you can’t claim wrongful termination stemming from the First Amendment. Obviously there are other rules in place to protect employees, but those aren’t the First Amendment. Petition and gathering are pretty easy. They mean you get to ask the government for things officially, even if they don’t have the power to do it (like firing the Cowboys head coach), and then show up places en masse to prove that you have nothing better to do than yell about how you have nothing to do.

Monday, December 17, 2012

The Cotton Anniversary

            This is my second anniversary of running this blog. This is a short collection of how I felt when I found that out.


First I didn't believe it.
Then I realized how wonderful a day it was!
            First, let me start this anniversary post the same way that most anniversaries begin: With an apology. I’m sorry that I haven’t been writing, as I always say to my grandmother and diary. But despite what my friends and family may tell you, I’m not constantly talking about nothing, and you need ideas to write down in order to… well, write things. I had several smaller ideas that didn’t seem to work as of late. Writing about the Bonus Army (which I may still do later) seemed too much like the paper I had to write for a real class, writing about going through a break up seemed whiny and malevolent, and nobody wants to read about being a waiter. That’s basically the only job people who write blogs have. That and law students. Speaking of law students, I didn’t write about the Bill of Rights because this guy already did it way better than I could have. And I haven't written about my recent internal conflict between Constitutional Constructionalism and Liberalism, because even I fell asleep halfway through that sentence. 
            So where does this leave us? I’m not sure. This blog turned two years old on the third, and I’m twelve days behind thanks to my heroin binges and compulsive fist-bumping of strangers. Last year, I shared several smaller excerpts in lieu of anything real to say, and I think it went over well, but that’s probably because I still have nothing to say, a year later. I think the fact that I had 44 posts in 2011 and 14 in 2012 shows more than I could say.
            One thing I wonder, as an aspiring writer (guh, do I sound like that all the time?), is how Cosmopolitan Magazine “journalists” came to be. The type of person I aim this blog towards does not often pick up a Cosmo except to make fun of it, so we often overlook the sheer size of these things. Sure, they are legitimately 75% advertisements, but there are over 200 pages in any given edition. That’s a lot of pages about how to do terrible sexual things, written by an actual person. Although I’m sure some programmer can come up with an easy formula to create some of these articles. [Random number] ways to [Arouse/Turn On/Heat Up] your [Boyfriend/Sex life/Bedroom/Father-daughter relationship]. That would explain why the sex tips are so out of touch from actual events. Snap! PROGRAMMER BURN! Run mauryshow_oooh.wav!