Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Five Rings to Rule Them All


            You know what the world loves? Friendly competition. It explains a lot about the prevalence of our wars, at least. For finding out which country America is better than, wars have done a pretty good job. The more fiscally responsible option is to use the Olympics. What? There’s one going on right now? Well then this article is perfectly timed! What a crazy coincidence.
            But sometimes the Olympics can be a little unfair. When you’re from a country that’s smaller than Central Park, it’s not too easy to find a lot of world-class athletes, and you can’t exactly recruit citizenship. There’s no country that is the Stanford of Olympics, I mean to say. So in the spirit of fairness, I think the decent thing to do is to weigh each country based on its population. Think Honors Olympics being worth more for your country's GPA than Remedial Sport.
            Unfortunately, I couldn’t figure out a good enough way to do that. So instead, I decided to just find the medal count per capita, that is to say, which country has the most medals per citizen. Unfortunately again, I’m just one man who started before the Olympics are even over, so I only did the top 20 countries in the medal counts. All the stats and math were done by Google, so I’ll share my Nobel Prize with them. In addition to the stats, I’ll list a line or two about each country to keep this blog from turning to the spreadsheet channel.

Medal Standings on a Per-Capita Basis

1. Jamaica- 1.12x10-6 (.00000112) gold medals per person, 3.32x10-6 total medals (1st). Jamaica starts off by dominating. With only 2,709,300 people living inside the country, Usain Bolt is single-handedly carrying them to the top of the per-capita ranking.

2. Hungary- 8.62x10-7 gold medals/person, 1.56x10-6 total medals (3rd). In a surprise move, Hungary must be pretty starving for some gold medals in order for their small populace to put up this many great athletes. Note to self- look up synonyms for starving that might fit better.

3. New Zealand- 6.81x10-7 golds per, 2.27x10-6 total medals (2nd). In a country that has more sheep than people, it’s astonishing that New Zealand has managed to fleece the Olympic games like they have! I promise they won’t all include puns from now on.
Together, they are worth .000001362 gold medals.
4. Great Britain- 3.83x10-7 golds per, 8.14x10-7 total (7th). The hosting country loses a couple points for including Scotland, England, and Wales all together, increasing their population size without many more good athletes. Lookin’ at you, Wales.

5. Kazakhstan- 3.62x10-7 golds per, 5.43x10-7 total (9th). Kazakhstani citizens are as hard, individually, to beat as their country is to spell! *Borat reference*

 6. Belarus- 3.16x10-7 golds per, 1.05x10-6 total (5th). Where is Belarus, most people ask? Well in addition to being a landlocked country (whose major exports include mustaches and questionable democratic elections) bordered by Russia, Ukraine, and Poland, it’s right here, at the sixth most gold medals per person!

7. The Netherlands- 2.99x10-7 golds per, 9.58x10-7 total (6th). One of the few countries whose title reads more like a band name, the Dutch citizens have quite a large piece of each gold medal! Side rant- Why did we start calling Holland “The Netherlands”? When did we say “Okay, yeah, we’ll switch over, you crazy Dutch, what with your wooden shoes and split-up restaurant bills!”Also, WHY THE HELL ARE THEY DUTCH!? Why not Neders? Or Nerds?

8. Cuba- 2.67x10-7 golds per person, 7.11x10-7 total (8th). I guess all of those cigars didn’t harm their lungs too much, because the citizens of Cuba have the 8th largest portion of each medal in the world!

9. Australia- 2.65x10-7 golds per, 1.28x10-6 total medals (4th). I suppose the Australians are so in shape from clinging onto the bottom of the Earth all the time that they are all gifted, athletically, for the Olympics.

10. South Korea- 2.45x10-7 golds per, 5.12x10-7 total (10th). First they have the world’s fastest internet, and now they have the 10th largest piece of each medal per person! Once Starcraft becomes an Olympic sport, prepare to see this Korea rocket through the ratings.

More Countries! More probably racist things to say! I love it!


11. North Korea- 1.64x10-7 golds per, 2.04x10-7 total (17th). In a very surprising move, North Korea has made it all the way up here in the rankings despite having about 1/3 of as much food as necessary. Hopefully the citizens can eat their .000000164 gold medal for sustenance!

T-12. Germany- 1.22x10-7 golds per, 4.53x10-7 total (11th). Germany uses its healthiness of its beer, sauerkraut, and sausages to make it to the twelfth position on the list. Germany gets listed on the top from the tie because of the total medal/person position.

T-12. United States- 1.22x10-7 golds per, 2.86x10-7 (14th). WOOOOOOOOOOOO! To put this in perspective, Michael Phelps won 32,786,885 Americans worth of gold medals in this Olympics. Can we start using “Americans” as a unit of gold medal, please? One gold  medal is worth 8,196,721 Americans, if my math is correct. It probably isn’t.

14. Italy- 1.15x10-7 golds per, 3.13-7 total (13th). Italians each hand-gestured themselves to .000000115 gold medals! Also, they have a bunch of hot chicks in important appointed positions in government because their prime minister is a lecherous old man. Love you guys.
Member of the Regional Assembly in Lombardy
Worth .000000313 Olympic medals
Source
15. Russia- 8.45x10-8 golds per, 3.94x10-7 (12th). 15th? Jeeze, you guys, Yuri Gagarin would be so disappointed. Although I suppose they’re used to sharing .0005 pieces of toilet paper between themselves, why not .0000000845 gold medals? Communism jokes are still hot, right?!

16. Ukraine- 6.56x10-8 golds, 2.19x10-7 (16th). Ukraine argue all you want, Ukrainians, but you’re number sixteen for gold medals per person. Hey- I said they wouldn’t ALL be puns, alright?

17. Iran- 5.35x10-8 golds/person, 1.07x10-7 total (18th). Seventeenth?! I guess this isn’t the Arab Summer. Eh? Eh? *tugs collar*

18. Japan- 3.91x10-8 golds/person, 2.50x10-7 total (15th). Japan has one of the biggest disparities between gold medals and total medals. The entire country is like Ichiro. He may not be hitting home runs, but he gets on base, and that’s what’s important.

19. China- 2.75x10-8 golds per, 5.87x10-8 total (19th). See, this is why this list is important. China may be 2nd in the normal medal count right now, but they also have over a billion people to find their athletes from. That’s a pretty huge sample size. Now we take it per person, and suddenly they’re not so big! Except for Yao Ming. That guy is huge. I’m not convinced he’s not three Chinese people stacked on top of one another. Is that racist?!

20. France- 1.22x10-8 golds per Frenchman, 4.43x10-8 total (20th). Of course it’s France. Nobody likes France, not even the French! I’d make fun of their berets, but a certain country’s opening ceremony uniforms prevent me from doing that. They’re 21st in the world in population, but can’t even get enough gold medals to put themselves farther ahead.

Notable missing country- India- India is the second largest country in the world, and didn’t crack the top twenty medal earners. I suppose that this is what happens when the one sport your country is good at (cricket) hasn’t been an Olympic sport since 1912. 
I don't see what's so exciting about this game.
Okay so a couple housekeeping things before I allow you to close this window.

One- This was a nightmare to format. Do you guys know that superscripts are really, really difficult to use this often!? Jeeze.
Two- You may have noticed I changed the title of the blog. I felt it represented the spirit of the blog (not to mention my writing style (see!?)) better than a name I came up with while rubbing my eyes and going “UGHHHHHH” a year and a half ago.
Three- Sorry about not writing hardly at all but my life is, like, 75% free time. That means writing is more effort than the rest of my life, and I don’t like to do things that feel like work. Says the guy who just did a school report for fun. Maybe that’s not the answer. I don’t know. There might be more coming pretty soon.
Four- Unless I've seriously mistook my audience reach, this post will put me over 15,000 views. That's a lot of people who stumbled here from Google Image Search.

He’d medal in Wikipedia-ing important information,

Mick Dickinson

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