Friday, May 18, 2012

Half Time in FIFA 10

Okay so I got really bored at work and wrote a halftime pump up speech to my FIFA 10 team. I think it should really get them going. If you don't play FIFA or watch soccer, this probably isn't going to make any sense to you. Just click on this instead.

     Okay, everyone gather in here. Jones, Mendez, even you, Farty Stinkerson. I know you're ready to get back to the pitch and really put it to the other team, but I've got a few words for all of you.
     Let's start with the other team. Now I know we're at the bottom of our Coca Cola League 2, but damnit, men, this game is winnable. We have every weapon in our arsenal to beat Spain's national team. I mean, Cuco, you should know the man across from you the best of anyone, it's you! Now get on your ass and shut yourself down! The announcers have counted us out of this game already. Damn that Martin Tyler! Just because we're down eight to nil doesn't mean we can't come back to win this! Everyone loves an underdog, especially one that's three and a half stars an underdog! 
     So we're going to be switching up formations. We need an offensive spark. So, all of you four defenders? Just spread yourself out in the midfield. Midfielders, you're up top. Strikers, keep at the eighteen box at all times. Trust me, boys. I've got three stars of reputation as a manager. I've worked my way up from... well actually I got placed here first thing, oddly enough. So that's all I've got about formations, but we need to talk about our technique.
     You strikers, I'm loving the way you don't crash on goal at any time, no matter how open the opportunity. Keep it up. And you've been onsides nearly too often, so can you just start runs five seconds too early? Or, better yet, make sure to always have a defender between you and the ball no matter what. 
     Midfielders, our passing is at a great spot. I'm loving how through balls travel ten yards farther than any human could reach at a full sprint. Oh yeah, strikers, just keep slammin' the balls right at the keeper. I'm sure he'll mess up soon. But back to the mids- never mark up on easy set pieces or throw ins. I'm sure that they need the six yard cushion you've been giving them. And I'm loving how you never step up on defense, even if the ball gets way out of the opponent's control. We will just take our goal kicks to get the ball back. Speaking of, don't make any useful runs. We can just belay the ball to the closest defender. I'm sure that they will never pick up on this strategy and step in front and score an easy goal, like their fourth and seventh goals.
     Speaking of easy goals, this is directed at you, goal keepers. Make sure you wait until the very last second to dive. Don't even move your feet. Full extension, and all that. It's much more exciting when a wayward pass turns to a diving save! Or not! Even a full goal!
     Defenders, when you're pressuring the ball, make sure to totally commit to a stab at all times. Our defense is all or nothing. No bending! And when you move in to stab at the ball when Xavi is in the open field, just move in a weird half circle thing around him. Or better yet, fall down. That's how this team plays. It's how we've always done it, and we're not going to stop looking like we have inner ear problems now!
     Well, the refs have come back from taking a leak and making nachos, so let's get to it. 

1-2-3-MEDIOCRITY!  

When people play Draw Something, they should both only get one point. Get it? That's some soccer-league-standings humor.

Mr. Manager
Mick Dickinson

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