Monday, April 2, 2012

Happy Go Lucky

            If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately, three people split a total of $640,000,000 in the national MegaMillions lottery. That’s six hundred and forty MILLION (!!!) dollars. That’s over half of A BILLION DOLLARS. That’s more money than eight nations in the world’s GDP. The winners just split a pot bigger than several entire countries worth of people make in a year. What the hell? How did this happen? Did some grandmother in Brooklyn just forget to buy her ticket for several weeks and it built up? Well, I’m a little sad that the money has already been claimed, because it was a fascinating topic of discussion around the water cooler or flaming street barrel, depending on how badly you needed the money. The question that was on everyone’s lips: What would you do with the money? My answer: Nothing.
            Like Peter in Office Space, I would do nothing all day long. I would be making more money from interest, even in a tiny 1% bank account, than someone of my skill set could ever make in a year. What I do on a standard Saturday would become my life. I would wake up at 11 am, play video games for several hours, occasionally eating and going to the bathroom, and then I would go do something else. It could be going to Wal-Mart for more snacks, (although with $640 mil I’d probably finally be able to afford shopping at Whole Foods. BURN), doing something creative, like writing the next great, passive aggressive, American novel or whittling another seven hundred chess sets, or even giving charity to some people, I guess.
            But that’s, a boring answer just like the people who say “First, I’d pay off my debt.” DUH. OF COURSE YOU WOULD. YOU HAVE 640 MILLION DOLLARS. I think college has become free, for all intents and purposes. Let me guess, you’d also buy a house. Everyone does that. Get creative, Andy Rooney! RIP.
"640 million dollars worth of beans are funny, in a way!"
            In this vein of thought, let’s get creative for a bit. Here is my list of things I’d do with SIX HUNDRED AND FORTY MILLION DOLLARS THAT THREE PEOPLE ON EARTH JUST WON (I can’t stress that enough. That’s more than enough to buy Somoa.)
            - Bribe dictionary officials to misspell words in their dictionaries.
                        - Get “Dickinson’d” added to the dictionary. Dickinson’d: adj. Made to appear unnecessary or trivial. Man, the Cubs have been Dickinson’d by July AGAIN.

            - Buy warehouse. Cover it in trampoline floors.

            - Find out how much it costs to get wing of college named after me. Decree that only the silliest classes get taught there. Use eventual honorary doctorate to weasel way into teaching said silly classes.

            - Buy small island. Cover it in mattresses. Nap away the day. Christen it “Nap Island.”

            - Build statues of myself in major intersections. Not near them. In them. Like I’m the world’s most stationary traffic cop. Except I have sharks for arms.

            - Indecent Proposal each and every married woman in America. (around 59 million)

            - Think about donating money to the government, realize that even if I donated 100% of my $640 mil earnings, it would cover less than a percent of the deficit. Get depressed. Go to Nap Island and get happy again.

            - Run television ads of me doing silly dances, until I fall into a pile of money and the words “Mick Dickinson: World’s Least Deserving Rich Man” appear on screen. In Comic Sans. Because screw you, that’s why.

            - Get a group of background singers to repeat everything I say, but you know, singy.
"But you know, singyyyy"
            - Have Jon Hamm publicly proclaim that I am handsomer than he is.
Oh who am I kidding, we might as well just
call it "Hamm-some" from now on.
            - Buy zeppelin. Have squadron of aircraft fight aerial battles around it for my amusement.
                        - Play the video game Crimson Skies again.

            -Commission scientists to clone the extinct Dodo exactly once, then shoot it in its stupid face. Establish statue of said act in Trafalgar and Tiananmen Squares, complete with large American flag and the inscription “Because America Can.”
                        - Give a million dollars to the first presidential candidate to use the motto “Because America Can.”
                        - Seriously, that’s a really good campaign motto.

            - Buy whatever company I happen to be working at. Fire myself. Collect severance.
                        -Keep lawyer on retainer to explain why this wouldn’t work.

            -Buy real estate in uptown Manhattan. Demolish skyscraper. Build single story ranch. Rent it out to lovely couple from Lincoln. Bring them a cake for every anniversary.

            - Look up how much it costs to buy a stealth bomber. ($737 million) Instead, buy fleet of 50 A-10 Warthogs. Fly a different one to Nap Island once a week.
            - Invade Cuba, using solely A-10 Warthogs and M-1 Abrams battle tanks ($4.3 mil each). Give inspiring speech about human kindness and the ability to win no matter what the odds are, even if they are, say, 1 in 176,000,000. Have back-up singers accompany the speech.
"Talkin', Talkin', bout Cuba (Cuba/Cuba!"
"Because Cuba Can!" would be the #1 hit!
            - Set up U.S. friendly regime, end embargo, smoke way too many cigars.

            - Model for action figures based on my likeness, play self in Bond film.

            - Put down Cuban uprisings, using army of Bradley Fighting Vehicles (3.16 mil each). Establish iron-fisted dictatorship.

            - Finalize grey/gray debate.

            - Invade Colombia, fail miserably.

            - Self-publish memoirs, gliding over Colombia invasion as an “intelligence error.” Make them required reading for every Cuban child.
            - Die in blaze of glory, safe and sound in bed. Use remaining money to put statue of self punching Fidel Castro in the balls on the moon.
                        - Punch Fidel Castro in the balls. Get it in Time Magazine. “Take that, Communism!”
"La broma es sobre ti. No tengo testiculos. El partido no
tiene un buen sistema sanitario."
            - Have a sandwich. Like, a really good one.

            So yeah, that’s what the world will look like if I ever win the lottery. As I sit here, and pray to God nobody else on Earth has $640,000,000, lest they steal my ideas.

"$640 million? What, like, on me?"
He won the genetic lottery and that’s good enough for him,

Mick Dickinson

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