Monday, April 23, 2012

The Triviality of Being Earnest


29.2 Million Views
            Earnestness is dying in American culture. Where passion and genuineness once resided now lies apathy and irony. The internet has provided an avenue to shoot trends and fads into the public consciousness faster than ever. My mother understands the concept of a lolcat and my father laughs at Epic Meal Time. But the internet also continues pushing this content past us at unimaginable speeds. Information disappears over the horizon before we can begin to recognize its details and message. Artists and entrepreneurs have a large market than previous generations could ever have fathomed… if they can stay relevant for any period of time.
            People have gotten used to this fact. On the internet, you blink and you miss it. It’s created an entire crowd on the internet, fighting to prove they aren’t part of the popular mob by staying one internet-culture-step ahead of it. Everyone has had run-ins with this mindset. The scoffs we offer in response to a picture we have seen before. The refusal to watch a video that you’ve seen only a week prior. I’m very definitely guilty of these crimes.
            This “beat-you-to-it” attitude has escaped its natural home of the internet. Free from the digital chains jumped our favorite cultural identity: the hipster.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Happy Go Lucky


            If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately, three people split a total of $640,000,000 in the national MegaMillions lottery. That’s six hundred and forty MILLION (!!!) dollars. That’s over half of A BILLION DOLLARS. That’s more money than eight nations in the world’s GDP. The winners just split a pot bigger than several entire countries worth of people make in a year. What the hell? How did this happen? Did some grandmother in Brooklyn just forget to buy her ticket for several weeks and it built up? Well, I’m a little sad that the money has already been claimed, because it was a fascinating topic of discussion around the water cooler or flaming street barrel, depending on how badly you needed the money. The question that was on everyone’s lips: What would you do with the money? My answer: Nothing.
            Like Peter in Office Space, I would do nothing all day long. I would be making more money from interest, even in a tiny 1% bank account, than someone of my skill set could ever make in a year. What I do on a standard Saturday would become my life. I would wake up at 11 am, play video games for several hours, occasionally eating and going to the bathroom, and then I would go do something else. It could be going to Wal-Mart for more snacks, (although with $640 mil I’d probably finally be able to afford shopping at Whole Foods. BURN), doing something creative, like writing the next great, passive aggressive, American novel or whittling another seven hundred chess sets, or even giving charity to some people, I guess.
            But that’s, a boring answer just like the people who say “First, I’d pay off my debt.” DUH. OF COURSE YOU WOULD. YOU HAVE 640 MILLION DOLLARS. I think college has become free, for all intents and purposes. Let me guess, you’d also buy a house. Everyone does that. Get creative, Andy Rooney! RIP.
"640 million dollars worth of beans are funny, in a way!"
            In this vein of thought, let’s get creative for a bit. Here is my list of things I’d do with SIX HUNDRED AND FORTY MILLION DOLLARS THAT THREE PEOPLE ON EARTH JUST WON (I can’t stress that enough. That’s more than enough to buy Somoa.)