Ah, winter. Happy near-solstice holiday of your choice! Just kidding, let’s remember the reason for the season, and any season we get to have: axial tilt. So wherever you’re traveling this holiday, remember to thank the Earth for that perfect 23.5 degree tilt we’ve got going on. It deserves it, deep down to its solid iron heart of gold.
I don’t know about the either of you, but tomorrow I will be celebrating Christmas, the America of holidays. It’s a great time, from the smelly pinecones stinking up my place of employment, to the lights on houses that blind me while I drive at night. Wherever you go, there remains one constant about this time of year (and the six weeks preceding it), Christmas songs. Some are traditional, and some are contemporary, but they’re really all the same in one important way: they’re dumb. So, let’s have a look at the more famous ones.
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
My biggest beef with this song is that they keep talking about how Santa is watching us at all times, which is creepy enough, but they add on the fact that you should be “good for goodness’ sake” which is BULLHONKY. You’re obviously being good for your own sake, so Santa will give you presents. Like, Socrates might see a difference (yeah, I’m a sophomore who took a philosophy course, wanna fight ‘bout it), but I’m like “Hey, as long as those kids will shut up and just be good, feel free.” However, I’d prefer we not ruin their ideas of what “Goodness’ sake” is.
Little Drummer Boy
Hey, kid, let that freakin’ baby sleep. Get the heck out of that barn! Those poor parents just put him down. It’s three in the morning, quit playin’ your damn drum at this newborn. And if any baby smiled at you, it’s simply because it’s copying your facial movements, not because it’s pleased at your elementary drumming. I mean, come on, a fifth grader can do “rum pum pum pum pum,” I don’t think even a baby Jesus would be impressed.
|Hey, kid, go do something productive.|
Join the Army, maybe.
Do You Hear What I Hear
I really think the line should go, “Do you hear what I hear/ said the sheep to the shepherd boy/ That sheep, that sheep, it totally just talked/ do you want to start a freakshow zoo?” Plus, uh, not that I’m beefing on this for historical reasons, but if you’re going to write a song on the Bible, shouldn’t you get the fact that the king, instead of proclaiming to all his subjects that the child would bring fortune and light, instead had all infants in Judea killed? Yeah, that’s a little tougher to fit into a major key, I know, but let’s try and get the details right, okay?
The guy who wrote this was Irving Berlin, the same man who wrote “Puttin’ on the Ritz,” later made famous by the great singing sensation Taco. He also is the only man to present an Oscar to himself. Irving Berling was Jewish, and apparently only wrote a Christmas song to make easy money, like every single other artist who releases a Christmas album ever.
A Few of my Favorite Things
Yeah, I know, why is this in a Christmas songs list? Well, it's always on the Christmas station that gets played where I work, so we’re counting it. “When the dog bites/ when the bee stings/ when the Nazis invaaaaaaade!” Look, von Trapps, it’s going to take a little bit more than thinking of girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes to get Hitler out of Austria, now that Chamberlain sold you out.
Baby, it’s Cold Outside
There’s no way around this, this song is about rape. Like, way more obviously than it should be. It’s hiding in plain sight. Hey, guy, I don’t care how cold out it is, this woman wants to go home. Stop giving her alcohol. ESPECIALLY stop slipping things into it. That’s just mostly a life rule.
The First Noel
How many Noels have there been since? Off topic, I could sing that “Glooooorrrrrururururiaaaaa” part all day. ALL DAY. I feel like such a boss when that comes out my mouth.
If you didn’t giggle when you said “virgin” during this song when you were younger, then you, sir, are a greater man than me. Not that it takes a lot. I mean I didn’t shave for a month and two weeks and it still didn’t show up in photographs.
So there you go. I just ruined Christmas for all of yo- OH MY GOD.
Merry Holidays, and to all a secular Good Night!
Mick “Santa’s Favorite” Dickinson