Friday, September 2, 2011

Sophomores Be Grouchin'

     Hey you guys. Mick here. Licensed Sophomore™. I know it’s a little late, but this one is for the incoming freshmen. College is an exciting time. I should know, I was there. Heck, I still am sometimes. And since you’re two, almost three weekends deep, you’ve probably realized it too.
     But Freshmen, us Sophomores have been talking, and I’m sorry to say not all of it is positive. Now, while most of my classmates would be happy to simply let you flounder about and continue to make fun of you, out of the kindness of my heart and the lackness (don't look at me, it's a perfectly cromulent word) of my other ideas (not to mention an hour to kill between classes), I’m here to bring you…
The Lackness Monster
Mick’s Magnificent Manifesto
Several Solutions for Shorter Students
1. Alliteration Is Key
     Try getting “Mick’s Magnificent Manifesto” out of your head. Even if this isn’t really a manifesto, it is now alliterative, and therefore better.

2. Stop Wearing Those Lanyards
     You know how when you were seniors in high school at this time last year, and you’d see the kids that tried to use trapper keepers? You’d dismissively make a wanking motion at them. “Freshmen,” you’d say. A lanyard around your neck is the college trapper keeper.

3. Stop Dressing So Nicely
     Look, if you and the skank patrol want to go out on Friday nights what with your vagina dresses on, that’s fine by me. Probably more than fine. But when I can’t hear the professor because you’re climp-clomping around in high heels, I have no pity when one heels breaks and you tumble down the stairs, leanding in a pantie-flashing heap at the bottom. And if I hear one more freshman (or any other year, for that matter) girl complain about how she had to get up soooooooooo early in order to get ready, I’m going to go crazy. But by and large, the worst is when a guy wore a shirt and tie (!!!) to move-in. Let me say that again, in sentence fragments. Shirt and tie. To. Move. In. Day. This rule also applies to over-the-top team spirit. We all go to the same school as you, you don’t have to constantly be wearing a hat, a t-shirt, and shorts that are blasted with our logo, and you don’t have to buy shoes to match the team’s colors. Then again, maybe Mr. “I only own three UNI shirts and they were all free from the DOR” is the wrong one to be writing about this.

4. You Live With Others. Act Like It
     Now that you’re surrounded by 100 or so strangers on your floor alone, life is going to change for you. The opposite sex will be walking past, half-naked, you have to wear shoes in the shower, and people will be pooping where you just peed. I can’t speak for the girls, but in guy bathrooms, why do I have to wipe pee off of a toilet seat? That’s where your butt goes, stupid.

5. Seriously, Stop Wearing Those Lanyards
     I can make you a big “I’m a freshman, don’t listen to me,” sandwich board for you to wear around if you want. Believe me, I’ve got the time.

6. Get Out of People’s Way
     Mostly, mine. Walk in single file lines in crowds. Don’t try to keep your little chat line next o each other the whole time because while I will step out of people’s ways, I’m not turning my shoulders to let your whole group slide past. And if you are getting a drink at the soda fountain, please stand in front of your selection. I don’t know why I have to tell you this, but stop reaching across all of the machine just because you don’t want to move move move your feet.

7. Most of What They Say is True
     You will subsist entirely on Easy Mac and Ramen. You probably will gain weight, and whether that’s muscle or fat is entirely up to you. You’ll see guys playing Ultimate Frisbee on the Quad. What’s more, you’ll begin talking in acronyms and abbreviations. “Yeah, I’ve got Poli Sci in the I-T-T-C pretty soon, and then I have to go all the way to the S-E-C for Child Dev,” is a sentence that actually occurs, and nobody questions it.
We listen to BTO, whose biggest hit was TCB.
It was the 70's, and we didn't have a minute to spare.
8. Don’t Be Stupid
     Look, this is what I could have titled the whole entry. And it doesn’t relate specifically to freshmen either, it’s just that your minds are malleable, what with all the new experiences/ hallucinogenic drugs. It’s pretty easy not to be stupid, and here’s how: Go to class. You’ve either paid lots or had lots paid for you to come to college. It’s the least you could do to capitalize on that investment. Just because you add a nickname to a day doesn’t make it okay to get drunk that night. That doesn’t mean you can never get drunk, but life is all about moderation.
     Here. Don’t go to college like your mother is always watching you, because you’ll miss out on a lot of fun. Don’t go to college like only your friends can see, because you’ll get nothing done. Instead go to college like your older brother is looking over your shoulder. The older brother that will ask if you’ve gotten laid yet immediately after asking how your classes are going. If you don’t have a brother like this, invent one. Think Sodapop or Darrel in The Outsiders.
My older brother is also a bouncer, and likes to fight Commies.
He's also a ghost.
     So, in summary, act like a youthful Patrick Swayze is watching over you, and you’ll do great in school.
    And take off your damn lanyards. 

This blog has over 5,000 views but I ain't changed. Call the crib same number same hood,

Mick Dickinson

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