Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I Musta Thought It Was Whiteboy Day

     If you had to describe me in one word, what would it be? White? Yeah. White. Or “scrumptious”, but I’m not sure that’s an actual, cromulent word. So, as a scrumptious white guy, I like to think I know a thing or two about what’s going white in the world. Well, let’s get white to the list, white now.

1. The Whitest Thing in Music
     Coldplay. What with their quasi-falsetto singing and unexplainable sense of entitlement, I cannot imagine a whiter band. They’re like a honey-er version of U2.

2. Whitest Thing in Cinemas
     Crash. The underdog choice here, as it deals with racial tensions on a hot day in Los Angeles. Also known as Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing but and whiter. There’s also never been a bigger disparity between popular and critical opinion. You know what else is widely hated but receives constant awards and accolades? That’s right. White people.

3. Whitest Thing in Sports

     Quidditch. What, that’s not a real thing? THINK AGAIN. The only thing with more white people than those pictures is the actual Harry Potter movies.

4. Whitest Thing in Music Pt Two
     Line Dancing. Dancing is an artform derived solely from emotions resulting from music, expressed physically. Only white people could make it about conformity.

5. Whitest Thing in Fashion
     Sports bras. Only white people would think to take the greatest things in the world and make sure nobody can enjoy them. I mean seriously, boobs are the breast. Er… best.

6. Whitest thing in Technology
     Blogging. What? I already admitted I was very white. A close second is slacktivism on Facebook.

7. Whitest Thing in Crime
     Embezzlement. Here’s a quote: “I’m so rich! But I need to screw an entire group of people in order to make myself richer!” White business owner, or white colonist?
    7a. Whitest Thing in Drugs
      Acid. Only white people could take something as cool as drugs and add Science to it.
Or take Science and add Drugs to it.
8. Whitest Thing in Cuisine
     Chicken Nuggets. Chicken could be the majority of fast food menus, but white people divided it up into separate sections then slam them back together into a stomach-hating nugget. You know what I call that? Apartheid

     So there you have it. Whiteness is much more than skin color and being bad at sports and talking. So get out there and… I don’t know. Do. Something?

He’s pretty fly for a white guy,

Mick Dickinson 

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