Wednesday, April 20, 2011

We Speak American

     Guys. You’re reading this in English, unless Google Translate actually happens to work. We all know the bad rap English gets from foreign speakers. Truth be told, it kinda deserves it sometimes. For example, “The soldier had to desert his dessert in the desert.” Also, it doesn’t help that it’s the language of Britain, which decided to kinda ruin half of the world for about two hundred years.

     But other than that, English is pretty awesome. Here’re some reasons why.

1. Contractions
     Contractions (I’ll, they’re, don’t) are the only time in history English decided to chill out and be like “You know what? Just write it like you hear it. You guys are going to do it anyway, see if I care.” Without contractions we would all be talking like computer programs. Sexy, meaty computer programs. Just to show you how odd it is to not talk in contractions, I am not going to use them for the rest of this whole article. Unless I am mistaken, English seems to be the only language to do this. However, that is probably because Spanish was smart enough to just combine their subjects and verbs from the start. Also, in unrelated news, Spanish is the only other language I know.

2. Idioms
      English has some great turns of phrase, but I think the American language has even better ones. I am only halfway pulling your leg (or taking you in my arms if you are German. Oddly comforting!) because when it comes to idioms, England English has gotten so far out of whack that really, what’s the point trying to understand each other anymore? But that is not what you are here for, you are here for laughing at people from different places. In Spanish, “Turn it loose” is slang for “to have diarrhea”. Ha. Pooping. Mexicans expand on the idea. If someone is in trouble, they are “in farts.” HA! I wish I spoke Spanish as a third grader, I would have had a great time.
What I think of when I hear "in farts".
Wait, this is an idiom inside of an idiom! IDIOM-CEPTION!

3. Versatility
     “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo” is a legitimate sentence. Buffalo from Buffalo, NY are buffaloed (bothered) by other Buffalo buffalo, and they, in turn, buffalo other Buffalo buffalo. I just lost every single foreign reader. Bye, Jose!

4. Defenestrate
"–verb (used with object) To throw a person or object out of a window."
Just wait, it'll happen.

      This is the word that made me write this entire article. Yeah, English decided that it was not metal enough, and added this to its vocabulary. We, in our language, have a word that specifically means to throw somebody out of a window. I am adding it to my daily usage whenever possible. “Darnit, Gladys, I asked for this in triplicate. I SWEAR TO GOD I AM GOING TO DEFENESTRATE YOU.

     Let me recap. English, the most hated of all high school subjects outside of everything I am going to end up teaching, has a word that specifically means to throw someone out of a window. That is all it means. But let us expand on this idea. Although prefixes and suffixes are largely based on Latin, they can be combined with this English word for awesomely amazing results.

Autofenestrate- To throw yourself out of a window. “The situation with her parents at the restaurant was getting super awkward so I made an attempt to autofenestrate.”

Refenestrate- To throw back into a window. “However, I had accidentally taken somebody else’s doggy bag, and I had to refenestrate it.”

Prefenestrate-  To throw something throw a window in order to ease later defenestration. “I ended up getting a lot of cuts all over myself, I really wish I had made planned ahead and prefenestrated.”

Anti-fenestration- To be against throwing things out of windows. “Only wussies and Bosnians are anti-fenestration.”

Befenestrate- To completely and utterly throw something out of a window. “Man, I have been completely befenestrated by that bouncer. How embarrassing.” (Of course there is always semifenestration as in “Can you give me a push out? I seem to be only semifenestrated.”)

Transfenestrated- The action of crossing a space between windows, only to be defenestrated again. “Man, you should have seen that church service when I transfenestrated it. I hope they are not mad about their stained glass windows.”

     God, this post is honestly the stupidest thing I have written here, and I wrote an entire story to end in five separate puns. But I still love it so.

He is all mouth and trousers,

Mick Dickinson

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