Sunday, April 17, 2011

So Hip You Can't See Your Feet

      It’s no secret I have a love/hate relationship with hipsters. I hate everything they stand for, but love their mustaches and ironic t-shirts. So sue me. But still, no one spends as much time or money perfecting their outfit to make sure everyone knows how much they don’t care what people think. Even with these conflicting feelings, there’s one thing we can all agree on- we kinda sorta like hipster music. I do my part to end hipsterdom while still embracing it by only listening to their favorite bands after they sell out. So in an effort to skip a couple steps, I’m going straight to the source and starting my own hipster band.

     Here’s what volunteers I’m going to need;
-Drummer
-Guitarist
-Lead singer/keys
-Rhythm keys
-Bass keys
-Cello
-Ukulele player
-Tour manager

     I think I can find those on Craigslist, right? I’m sure. But other than the actual band, I’ve got everything planned out. Every hipster band needs a hipster name. Many good names exist; Flostin Paradise, Jimmy and The Smits, Drive-Thru Bypass, Time Horizon, and Mento and The Freshmakers, just for some examples. But even with all these, I’ve still devised the perfect hipster band name- Rollerskates-A-Million. It’s nonsensical, yet still sets the mood of… well, confusion. We’re being confusing ironically, don’t worry.

     So what songs would Rollerskates-A-Million play? I’ve got it handled. In fact, I’ve got their entire debut album right here!

It's a microphone, alright?
Album: What’s In The News Today?

1.  Have You Seen This? (Intro)
Sample: Have you seen this?/ Have you heard about this?/ It seems the president/ Has married a man named Chris!

2. Houston, Everything’s Okay
Oh, there’s a lot of talk going around town/ Sayin’ that my baby is driving me down/ But I’m here to say, that’s just not true/ I’ve got my baby/ And I’m missing my blues

3. Can’t Remember the Good Times
Sometimes it seems to me/ months go past in a grayscale blur/ I keep looking to others/ and know I’m looking for her

4. Argyle Beach Party
Come on down to the local park/ the local playground/ Your nearest beach/ They’re coming for miles around/ [Shouted in background] BRING YOUR CONVERSE!

5. Catatonia
You ask if I have a dollar/ that I can loan ya/ I can’t move/ Ca-ca-catatonia

6. Onward!
Instrumental

7. Doodled Philosophy
Sometimes I feel/ like I’m somebody else’s drawing/ Amidst all the blue lines/ and margins clawing

8. Rollerskates-A-Million
We’re Rollerskates-A-Million/ so tie your shoes/ You better get ready to kick-dance/ and those hi-tops you don’t want to lose

9. Not Not So Perfect
Your hand slides up my thigh and you know what that means/ I’m sorry, I just creamed in my jeans/ I can’t be all what you thought you picked/ I’m not not notnotnotnot so perfect

10. Where Am I Going?
I’m following the little yellow lines/ seeing where they lead/ Suddenly my mind whines/ can you tell me where I’m going, please?

     See? Those are $1,000 songs right there. Anymore, and we’d be selling out, of course.

     But my preparedness goes beyond just that. Even if I don’t have all the songs for the upcoming albums, I do already have their names and cover art (literally) drawn up for them. BONUS: In a pinch, all of these albums names can double as side-project band names.

Flames With A Gun
Saturday Night Self Portrait

Robo-Bling

Rollerskates-A-Million is now open for gigs in bars and crappy house parties county-wide.

He blogs ironically,
Mick Dickinson

P.S. The second man in "Flames With a Gun" is saying "I am fat and crudely drawn." And as for the flying pig? You'll have to ask Brian Thornburg.

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