Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Past, Presidents, and Future (pt 2)

     You know, it’s funny. I’m teachin’ ya’ll about history and such and I haven’t even graduated myself. I don’t really know how to describe it in words, but I think this picture can just about do my feelings justice.
I'd like to think I'm doing a dog-gone good job.
     Well there you go. So on to the meat, huh? By the by, part one can be located here.

21. Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885)
It’s funny. Sometimes it’s weird to think that sometimes saying people’s middle initials sounds just plain wrong. Like Barack H. Obama, or most private citizens. But then you get to some presidents and public figures, and initials are all over the place. Chester A. Arthur, John Q. Public, Stephen T. Colbert, and Jesus H. Christ (do you think the H stands for Hussein?) all come to mind. But even odder is our culture’s fascination with the middle names of assassins. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman. Weird, right?

Oh, Chester A. Arthur? He was alright I guess.

22. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889)
The only president to have a muppet named after him. Or to be named after a muppet. He was mostly just a good dude doin’ an alright job, and people didn’t particularly hate him.

23. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893)
Grandson of ol’ pneumonia himself, William Henry Harrison. Created the Sherman Antitrust Act, which was later to bust up monopolies, and by history majors to bust up games of Monopoly.

24. Grover Cleveland (1893-1897)
The only president to have a crappy city in Ohio named after him. Or to be named after a crappy city in Ohio.

25. William McKinley (1891-1901)
Pro-business, pro-eyebrows, anti-William Jennings Bryan. They named a mountain in Alaska after him, the highest point in North America. Of course everyone who actually cares about these things still refers to it as Denali. I guess you could say McKinley was in Denali that someone had already named his mountain. Don’t get mad at my puns, we’ve got twenty presidents left.

26. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909)
Hoo boy. Let me go get a new pair of pants, here. This may not be my absolute favorite president, but this was the manliest man to ever man up the Man House. I mean White Man. I mean… shoot. He boxed, he hunted, and he fought people with sticks. Once, somebody hit THE SITTING PRESIDENT in the head with a stick so hard Roosevelt went blind in one eye. He immediately quit stick fighting. Until he got his sight back, then he started right back up.

"Tonight... YOU."
 Roosevelt deserves two paragraphs, one for each massive testicle. He was about to give a speech, and was shot in the heart before he started. Luckily, he was about to give a friggin’ long speech, and the wadded up paper in his pocket stopped most of the bullet. Most of it. So he excused himself from the crowd and went on to the hospit- OH NO SON HE GAVE THAT SPEECH. Bleeding from the chest. He finally passed at the ripe old age of 60. You say that’s not ripe? This man probably mauled a bear. When Roosevelt died, it was peacefully in his sleep. Why? In the words of Vice President Thomas Marshall, “Death had to take Roosevelt sleeping, for if he had been alive, there would have been a fight.”

A third, for his massive third testicle I imagine he had. He built the Panama Canal. “Mick, that totally destroyed a country and killed hundreds of workers!” Yeah, but suck one. The French tried and failed because they forgot one thing. They’re French.

27. William Howard Taft (1909-1913)
Many people comment on his fatness. He was pretty fat. But also, he had a rockin’ mustache, and busted up more monopolies than anyone else, which was pretty exciting for the times. Trust me.

Taft also broke up the monopolies of Diabeetus. 
28. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921)
He kept us out of World War One, then ran on the same platform for reelection. After winning again, totally entered us into World War One. Like, the very same year he got elected again. “Mick what about the sinking of the Lusitania?” Shut up, it totally deserved it. He totally foresaw everything that eventually led to World War Two, but was ignored. Especially by the French.

29. Warren G. Harding (1921-1923)
Progressive and actually was technically the one to end World War One, totally bypassing Wilson’s awesome “Let’s not screw over Germany too bad” plan. I’m going to be honest, I didn’t know he died in office. Whoops. Even though the whole “Child Welfare” thing he created seems to be pretty awesome, he’s normally ranked very low in a list of presidents.

30. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929)
To describe Coolidge I’m going to use as many words as he would.  Coolidge was President. (The joke is that he was very quiet.)

31.  Herbert Hoover (1929-1933)
WOO Iowa pride! Here’s my impression of Hoover. “Hey guys, I’m the new president. I’m looking forward to running this country and OH GOD WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED TO THE STOCK MARKET!? I SWEAR THIS ISN’T MY FAULT STOP HITTING ME!” In real words, he did send current Army troops to put down a veteran gathering. With tanks. No kidding.

32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1933-1945)
Now, I’m a pretty liberal guy, so I’ll try to keep this neutral. Yes, it probably was World War Two that pulled the US out of the Depression, and Roosevelt’s strategy to fix things was pretty much just throwing TI levels of rubber band-ed wads of cash at things. But you have to admit- he certainly did hide his polio pretty well.
In addition to Nazis, FDR also fought Batman
33. Harry S. Truman (1945-1953)
He was selling shoes about 10 years before he was president. Still, Ol’ Sassafras ended up being a pretty awesome president. Truman set up the plan to keep communism from spreading before it was cool, by subscribing to his predecessor’s “Wild as the Taliban” methods.

Also, Japan.

34.  Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961)
Dwight David Ike Sassafras Eisenhower was so moderate, he makes room temperature milk seem extreme. Most likely won World War Two as a general, then set up our current interstate system. Cause he’s dope like that. But overall, I like Ike.

35.  John F. Kennedy (1961-1963)
John Fitzgerald David Ike Sassafras Delano Kennedy was handsome, young, and sounded funny when he talked. But what he said was pretty awesome. Setting up the Peace Corps and NASA before he was shot in Dallas in November 1963, Kennedy made the most of his time in the administration... and his time in other things.

"Other things"
36. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969)
Lyndon Babyface Baines Fitzgerald David Ike Sassafras Delano Johnson. How do I describe this man? Dickwad. He was a huge jerk to pretty much everyone, especially his dog. But! He was an awful person who got stuff DONE. Creating the Great Society, pushing civil rights, Medicare/Medicaid, and environmental protection through legislation come to mind. He also escalated Vietnam (to be fair it was popular at the time). Whatever, not like that came back to bite us.
37. Richard Nixon (1969-1974)
Ol’ Tricky Dick himself. For goodness sakes people, this guy was actually a pretty good president. Opening trade to China, adopting a panda from China, and ending the Vietnam war were all pretty good things to happen. Then, of course, Watergate. He’s paranoid, not evil. But then again, his middle name was Milhouse. No joke. He’s the only president to resign (so far).

38. Gerald Ford (1974-1977)
Trivia question- how many people voted for Gerald Ford to become president pre-1974? None! Well that’s not fair, he was voted vice president, right? Haha, you’re stupid. Spiro Agnew was Nixon’s vice president for most of the administration, until Agnew resigned shortly before Nixon. So Nixon, not having a vice president, probably turned around in a tight circle frantically until he saw a Look! Magazine with Gerald Ford on the cover, and deciding to appoint him vice president. Ford was President never voted into the Presidency, although he did (sorta) appear on the Simpsons, endearing him to me forever.

Everything I learn, it's from the Simpsons.
39. Jimmy Carter (1977-1981)
If you want a non-threatening man to come read your kids a bedtime story, I’m willing to bet Jimmy Carter would do it. He gave the Panama Canal back to Panama, which seems logical but probably has Theodore Roosevelt rolling in his grave. That is, if he hasn’t already escaped and continued hunting bears as a zombie. Carter also established a subsidy on peanut farming, which is why your elementary school had giant cans of peanut butter, and probably still does. In a huge dick move, Iranians captured 52 Americans, and despite many attempts by Carter to get them to America, the Iranians totally called “No backsies!” That is, of course, until the very day Carter left office. The hostages were freed after our next contender took up Carter’s position. Gird your loins, conservatives.

40.  Ronald Reagan (1981-1989)
Ronald Reagan, born in Illinois, was a famous actor. He earned his nickname “The Gipper” from his role in a football movie. Also, he used to announce Iowa Hawkeye football games, as well as Chicago Cubs play-by-play that he was actually only receiving by a wire. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like lying to me.

41. George H.W. Bush (1989-1993)
George Her Way Bush was the John Adams of the Twentieth Century. Not because of his policies or ugly features, but because he was the father in another father-son combo. That’s about the only similarity. Bush, Sr. started Gulf War, Sr. in an effort to protect Kuwait from Iraq, who had been given weapons by… Ronald Reagan.

42. Bill Clinton (1993-2001)
Bill, brother of George, gave welfare to the discretion of the states, had the nation running at a surplus for the first time since World War Two, and created NAFTA, a free trade agreement between Canada, America, and Mexico. He also once smoked weed and got caught getting a blowjob from an intern. Guess which things we remember. But in classic Clinton style, he left with the highest approval rating of any outgoing president in 60 years.
"That's just how a playa play," William Clinton
43. George W. Bush
George Walker “Texas Ranger” Bush took office in 2001. In a re-hashing of my joke from 12 presidents ago, this is my impression. “Hey Amurrica, I’m gonna do a rull good job a’ runnin’ you and such, I mean I actually did purty well in Texas an- OH HOLY S**T.” Being really unpopular doesn’t mean he was actually that bad. Except when it comes to No Child Left Behind. Damn that was dumb. But you have to give it to him, he’s a pretty awesome guy in real life.

44. Barack Obama
Socialist, Communist, Muslim, AND Extremist Christian. Yes, every single one of those have been pushed on Obama, despite them being mutually exclusive. I can’t really comment on him too much till history tells its tale, but someone should really mention how Congress never approved a war in Libya. Guys? Anyone?

     So there you go. After two posts and over 3,000 words you know everything there is to know about America. Forever. Wait, we keep getting these things?! Damnit. I'll be back in another 224 years.

Coming soon- Ross Perot

Mick Dickinson

1 comment:

  1. That was pretty damn funny. I got here looking for a picture of LBJ holding his dog by the ears....