Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Past, Presidents, and Future (pt 1)

     In England, they make kids memorize the line of kings and queens (kings). That’s a country that’s existed since, like, totes forever, and they have their school children memorizing who came out of whose loins. This country has been around for not even 250 years, and our children could probably not name eleven presidents. Hell, you probably couldn’t, you idiot.

"Why yes, a real man DOES know his Presidents." - Tom Selleck.
I'm on the other end of that phone call.
      So in order to help our nation’s children and my totally stupid readers out, I’ve compiled a list of all the Presidents of the United States of America in chronological order, with a little info about each. It’s only fair, right?

1. George Washington (1789-1797) 
Okay, who didn’t see this one coming? He’s the first, and arguably the best. Although to be fair, if everyone used you as the inspiration for what the thing you are should be, I’m willing to bet you’d be up there in popularity. If everyone started trying to be Mick Dickinson, I’d be one of the best Mick Dickinsons in history.

2. John Adams (1797-1801)
He’s ugly as hell. No kidding. He also liked to have sex outdoors, swim across the freezing Potomac, and totally crap all over the Bill of Rights (remember talking about that?).

3. Thomas Jefferson (1801- 1809)
Slave joke. He also was redheaded, and probably would never stop telling everyone about how awesome he was for writing the Declaration of Independence. Died on July 4, the same day as John Adams, his best frenemy ever.

4. James Madison (1809- 1817)
Tiny, tiny man. Over ¾ of his height was probably his magnificent brain, as he is the source of the Constitution, perhaps the greatest written document in politics.

5. James Monroe (1817- 1825)
In a turn of events that probably had early 19th century citizens highly confused, James M was succeeded by a James M. Not too much originality in the naming traditions of the age. He was the last Founding Father to be president, and established the Monroe Doctrine, which is a hilarious case of a little kid telling his older, European brothers they can’t play with his toys. The brothers didn’t really want to play with them anyway, but the little brother thinks “Wow, I’m so B.A.” Also the only president to have a foreign city named after him, after Monroe decided to send freed slaves back to Africa, like that'd fix things.

6. John Quincy Adams (1825- 1829)
Son of John “Not Quincy” Adams. Slightly less ugly, if a lot more corrupt on getting to the presidency. Way better at being in the Legislature, where he returned after he lost his re-election bid to…

7. Andrew Jackson (1829- 1837)
Second most B.A. president, but also possibly the biggest a-hole as well. As a general in the army, Jackson decided he was going to fight another battle even if the War of 1812 was over. Also, he invaded Florida on his own jurisdiction. And won. But these were things before he was president, hilariously enough. As president, he kicked about the entirety of Indians out of the South. Sorry about that, guys. He also survived an assassination attempt and went to work beating the crap out of the would-be assassin with his walking stick. Not content to be that awesome, he used “Old Hickory” as a nickname for his re-election, reminding people not to ever cross him. Ever.

"Only two guns? You've got to be sh**ing me."
 Read on for more lazily-researched info! 

8. Martin Van Buren (1837-1841)
First American-born American president. After a slight economic depression during his presidency, he was called Martin Van Ruin by his opponents. BURN.

9. William Henry Harrison (1841-1841)
Didn’t wear a coat. Died.

10. John Tyler (1841-1845)
If you’re saying “Who?” you’re right. The guy who died less than in a month into his term is more famous than this jerk. He was the first to start the order of succession after the death of his preceding President. Or presiding Precedent.

11. James K. Polk (1845-1849)
Absolute rockstar. He’s your new favorite President. Comes into office, says “I’m going to extend the Oregon Territory farther into British Canada, and start a war if I have to to do it.” Let me remind you, this is less than 40 years after the War of 1812, when the British absolutely ran a train on America. But Polk had such huge nuts, the British were like “Yeah, okay, have that. Whatever, it’s not like awesome coffee stores and grunge bands will come from this place!” Then Polk decides, "Hey, the Modern American Southwest looks pretty nice," so he just goes and get that too. So Polk, fulfilling his main campaign promise and more, dusts off his hands and says “Well guys, I did my job,” and doesn’t run for re-election. BOSS.

"I wonder if I could annex that lamp..."
12. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850)
Died shortly after taking office. Probably cause God would not allow someone named Zachary to run the greatest country in the world.

13. Milliard Fillmore (1850-1853)
Did absolutely nothing. Like, historians who devote their entire lives to America probably remember him best as inspiring the name for a crappy conservative comic strip.
I would be mad they didn't go over the top with the pun
but they're quite conservative.

14. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857)
Won the Electoral College 254-42. Commonly regarded as the one of the worst presidents ever for pretty much ensuring civil war. Once again showing the Electoral College is stupid and should be destroyed in a fire.

15. James Buchanan (1857-1861)
If Franklin Pierce ensured a civil war, James Buchanan could be considered a hero for delaying it long enough to get his butt out of office before it happened.

16. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865)
We all know about the Civil War and his determination to actually win an election every once and awhile. But I’m going to talk about how ugly he was. A detractor called him two-faced (showing that bitchy girls on MTV reality shows didn’t make up the term) and Lincoln responded like a mac-daddy, “If I had two faces, do you think I’d be wearing this one?” And that beard he had? Oh, yeah, for like only two years after some random girl wrote him a letter asking him to grow one. So everything you know is wrong, basically.
GAH! It's like looking at a stoplight with green on top.
17. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869)
Not to be confused with Andrew Jackson. Surprisingly a bigger a-hole, being voted Worst President Ever quite often. Johnson was an awful big racist which is not exactly the best president to have during Reconstruction. He was impeached but not removed from office because those are two different things, stupid.

18.  Ulysses S. Grant (1869-1877)
Notable alcoholic and pretty all-around lousy president. Not in an extraordinary way or anything, just kinda overall suck.

19. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881)
The stupidest name in the history of the presidency, but was a stronger man than Zachary Taylor to fight off God’s assassination attempts. Quelled the Railroad Strike of 1877 by simply beating them up till the strikers agreed to go back to work.

20. James Garfield (1881-1881)
Garfield rounds out this entry of presidents by being assassinated by a begrudged worker who was turned down for a position in his administration, Charles Guiteau. Guiteau probably the thought the act would secure him his place in history, but is not even recognized by Word’s spellcheck. You learned it here first, kids. Don’t kill presidents. 

You learn some, you lose some,

Mick Dickinson

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