Thursday, April 28, 2011

Guest Post: That Girl at The Party

In celebration of my thousandth page view I tried to get some people to write an entry to talk about anything they'd like to. So, here it goes!

     Guys. You guys. I’m so drunk. Hee hee. I don’t usually get like this! It’s only for celebrations. What are we celebrating? Oh, it’s that girl’s birthday over there. No, I don’t know who she is. Hold on.

     BIRTHDAY SHOTS!

     Okay, I’m back. Ew, that UV Raspberry just burns on the way down. Ew ew ew ew! Maybe if I shake my hands by my face it’ll get better?! No, it didn’t work. Of course it didn’t! Why would I think it would? I’m drunk. I’m so drunk, you guys.
SPR- Sorority Pantie Remover
     Look at that guy. He’s soooo hot. No, not that guy, the one with the spiked hair. Soooo hot. I’m going to talk to him. Should I? Oh my god I’m so drunk! Should I go talk to him? What would I say? I’m too drunk to think of something to say! Maybe I’ll just stare at him till he looks over. Then I can get him to come over here. Make him say something. Okay, staring NOW.

     He’s not looking. I got to keep trying. Wait, how long has it been since we started talking?

     BIRTHDAY SHOTS! hehehe I’M SO DRUNK!

     Did he look when I yelled? He didn’t? Should I yell again? Why isn’t he looking? Do you think he’s gay? Maybe I’ll talk to that guy over there. Oh, he’s my ex? Hee hee I’m so drunk I didn’t even notice. I should talk to him. No, no, I’m going to. I don’t care what you say, I’ve got things to talk to him about. I don’t care if he’s already talking to a girl. She’s not as cute as me. She deserves to know that.

     I totally just cut her off midsentence. Do you think he’s mad at me now? Screw him. I don’t care what he thinks. Do you think he’s mad? He’s mad isn’t he? But I don’t even care. I wish he wasn’t mad at me. I’m going to go apologize.

      Now he’s even madder at me. What a douche!

     BIRTHDAY SHOOOOOOTS!

     We should leave, this party is lame. Let’s leave. We’ll take my car. No, I can totally drive. I’m totally fine. I'm sober. For reals. No, you can’t take my keys! No, stop it. RAPE! RAPE!

     Did spikey hair look when I was yelling? No? He’s totally gay. There’s nobody here to talk to. Well, I mean, I was talking to that guy for half an hour, but he started trying to keep me from drinking, and that’s totally lame. I think he was trying to take me home with him. It’s like he didn’t even know I have a boyfriend that goes to State. No, I didn’t tell him. Why would I even mention it?

     SHIRTHDAY BOTS!

     Oh god this tastes so good. I just never want to stop drinking it. Where my bitches at?! I LOVE YOU GIRLS LET’S NEVER NOT BE FRIENDS! HEEHEEHEE!

    God, those girls are such sluts. Did you know Jess gave a guy head in the bathroom of the library? True story. Don’t tell anyone I told you though.

    PICTURE TIME!

    Ew, I look so gross in that… Aren’t you going to tell me I look great now? Cause I spent thirty minutes making sure my boobs were 75% out of my dress before I came. It’s so later people can tell me how big they are when they look at this picture I’m about to take.

    Excuse me, guy who sits next to me in Dec Tec but I don't know, can you take a picture of us, please? Hold on, let me get my hand on my hip and head tilted in… Yeah, like that. Okay, go. BITCHES! Hee hee. When I yelled bitches did my ex look? No? Whatever, I don’t even care what he thinks. Thanks for taking that picture!

    God, that guy was SO WEIRD. He tries to talk to me before class. AS IF.

     BOTSDAY SHIRTS!

    Sho I wash thinking that maybe you could wait here while I we-*burp*-went to the bathroom. Okay? Don’t move. Promish? Pinky Promish! Okay byeeeeeee!

    Hey, thanksh for talking to me all night and shpending your time dealing wiff all my meshed up shtuff. But I finally got shpikey hair’sh attenshun, and he’sh taking me back to his apartment. Okay, I’m gonna go now. But not before hugging every shingle pershun in this party.

    My ex didn’t hug me! *Crying* Why didn’t he hug me? Sean, that’s the guy I’m going wiff, just Sean, I don’t know his lasht name, saysh not to care. I don’t! I don’t care.

     Don’t-*hic*-don't tell my boyfriend. You’re the bes-

    *Passes out*

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

We Speak American

     Guys. You’re reading this in English, unless Google Translate actually happens to work. We all know the bad rap English gets from foreign speakers. Truth be told, it kinda deserves it sometimes. For example, “The soldier had to desert his dessert in the desert.” Also, it doesn’t help that it’s the language of Britain, which decided to kinda ruin half of the world for about two hundred years.

     But other than that, English is pretty awesome. Here’re some reasons why.

1. Contractions
     Contractions (I’ll, they’re, don’t) are the only time in history English decided to chill out and be like “You know what? Just write it like you hear it. You guys are going to do it anyway, see if I care.” Without contractions we would all be talking like computer programs. Sexy, meaty computer programs. Just to show you how odd it is to not talk in contractions, I am not going to use them for the rest of this whole article. Unless I am mistaken, English seems to be the only language to do this. However, that is probably because Spanish was smart enough to just combine their subjects and verbs from the start. Also, in unrelated news, Spanish is the only other language I know.

2. Idioms
      English has some great turns of phrase, but I think the American language has even better ones. I am only halfway pulling your leg (or taking you in my arms if you are German. Oddly comforting!) because when it comes to idioms, England English has gotten so far out of whack that really, what’s the point trying to understand each other anymore? But that is not what you are here for, you are here for laughing at people from different places. In Spanish, “Turn it loose” is slang for “to have diarrhea”. Ha. Pooping. Mexicans expand on the idea. If someone is in trouble, they are “in farts.” HA! I wish I spoke Spanish as a third grader, I would have had a great time.
What I think of when I hear "in farts".
Wait, this is an idiom inside of an idiom! IDIOM-CEPTION!

3. Versatility
     “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo” is a legitimate sentence. Buffalo from Buffalo, NY are buffaloed (bothered) by other Buffalo buffalo, and they, in turn, buffalo other Buffalo buffalo. I just lost every single foreign reader. Bye, Jose!

4. Defenestrate
"–verb (used with object) To throw a person or object out of a window."
Just wait, it'll happen.

      This is the word that made me write this entire article. Yeah, English decided that it was not metal enough, and added this to its vocabulary. We, in our language, have a word that specifically means to throw somebody out of a window. I am adding it to my daily usage whenever possible. “Darnit, Gladys, I asked for this in triplicate. I SWEAR TO GOD I AM GOING TO DEFENESTRATE YOU.

     Let me recap. English, the most hated of all high school subjects outside of everything I am going to end up teaching, has a word that specifically means to throw someone out of a window. That is all it means. But let us expand on this idea. Although prefixes and suffixes are largely based on Latin, they can be combined with this English word for awesomely amazing results.

Autofenestrate- To throw yourself out of a window. “The situation with her parents at the restaurant was getting super awkward so I made an attempt to autofenestrate.”

Refenestrate- To throw back into a window. “However, I had accidentally taken somebody else’s doggy bag, and I had to refenestrate it.”

Prefenestrate-  To throw something throw a window in order to ease later defenestration. “I ended up getting a lot of cuts all over myself, I really wish I had made planned ahead and prefenestrated.”

Anti-fenestration- To be against throwing things out of windows. “Only wussies and Bosnians are anti-fenestration.”

Befenestrate- To completely and utterly throw something out of a window. “Man, I have been completely befenestrated by that bouncer. How embarrassing.” (Of course there is always semifenestration as in “Can you give me a push out? I seem to be only semifenestrated.”)

Transfenestrated- The action of crossing a space between windows, only to be defenestrated again. “Man, you should have seen that church service when I transfenestrated it. I hope they are not mad about their stained glass windows.”

     God, this post is honestly the stupidest thing I have written here, and I wrote an entire story to end in five separate puns. But I still love it so.

He is all mouth and trousers,

Mick Dickinson

Sunday, April 17, 2011

So Hip You Can't See Your Feet

      It’s no secret I have a love/hate relationship with hipsters. I hate everything they stand for, but love their mustaches and ironic t-shirts. So sue me. But still, no one spends as much time or money perfecting their outfit to make sure everyone knows how much they don’t care what people think. Even with these conflicting feelings, there’s one thing we can all agree on- we kinda sorta like hipster music. I do my part to end hipsterdom while still embracing it by only listening to their favorite bands after they sell out. So in an effort to skip a couple steps, I’m going straight to the source and starting my own hipster band.

     Here’s what volunteers I’m going to need;
-Drummer
-Guitarist
-Lead singer/keys
-Rhythm keys
-Bass keys
-Cello
-Ukulele player
-Tour manager

     I think I can find those on Craigslist, right? I’m sure. But other than the actual band, I’ve got everything planned out. Every hipster band needs a hipster name. Many good names exist; Flostin Paradise, Jimmy and The Smits, Drive-Thru Bypass, Time Horizon, and Mento and The Freshmakers, just for some examples. But even with all these, I’ve still devised the perfect hipster band name- Rollerskates-A-Million. It’s nonsensical, yet still sets the mood of… well, confusion. We’re being confusing ironically, don’t worry.

     So what songs would Rollerskates-A-Million play? I’ve got it handled. In fact, I’ve got their entire debut album right here!

It's a microphone, alright?
Album: What’s In The News Today?

1.  Have You Seen This? (Intro)
Sample: Have you seen this?/ Have you heard about this?/ It seems the president/ Has married a man named Chris!

2. Houston, Everything’s Okay
Oh, there’s a lot of talk going around town/ Sayin’ that my baby is driving me down/ But I’m here to say, that’s just not true/ I’ve got my baby/ And I’m missing my blues

3. Can’t Remember the Good Times
Sometimes it seems to me/ months go past in a grayscale blur/ I keep looking to others/ and know I’m looking for her

4. Argyle Beach Party
Come on down to the local park/ the local playground/ Your nearest beach/ They’re coming for miles around/ [Shouted in background] BRING YOUR CONVERSE!

5. Catatonia
You ask if I have a dollar/ that I can loan ya/ I can’t move/ Ca-ca-catatonia

6. Onward!
Instrumental

7. Doodled Philosophy
Sometimes I feel/ like I’m somebody else’s drawing/ Amidst all the blue lines/ and margins clawing

8. Rollerskates-A-Million
We’re Rollerskates-A-Million/ so tie your shoes/ You better get ready to kick-dance/ and those hi-tops you don’t want to lose

9. Not Not So Perfect
Your hand slides up my thigh and you know what that means/ I’m sorry, I just creamed in my jeans/ I can’t be all what you thought you picked/ I’m not not notnotnotnot so perfect

10. Where Am I Going?
I’m following the little yellow lines/ seeing where they lead/ Suddenly my mind whines/ can you tell me where I’m going, please?

     See? Those are $1,000 songs right there. Anymore, and we’d be selling out, of course.

     But my preparedness goes beyond just that. Even if I don’t have all the songs for the upcoming albums, I do already have their names and cover art (literally) drawn up for them. BONUS: In a pinch, all of these albums names can double as side-project band names.

Flames With A Gun
Saturday Night Self Portrait

Robo-Bling

Rollerskates-A-Million is now open for gigs in bars and crappy house parties county-wide.

He blogs ironically,
Mick Dickinson

P.S. The second man in "Flames With a Gun" is saying "I am fat and crudely drawn." And as for the flying pig? You'll have to ask Brian Thornburg.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Bragging Rights


I have over a thousand views on this page now.







If any of these aren't animated, just click on them

I think I've earned it.
I'll get back to writing something once I think of something to write about. It's funny how that works. In the meantime, feel free to email me so I can make fun of you at middickinson@gmail.com

Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all! Nothin' at all! Nothin' at all!
Mick Dickinson

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Past, Presidents, and Future (pt 2)

     You know, it’s funny. I’m teachin’ ya’ll about history and such and I haven’t even graduated myself. I don’t really know how to describe it in words, but I think this picture can just about do my feelings justice.
I'd like to think I'm doing a dog-gone good job.
     Well there you go. So on to the meat, huh? By the by, part one can be located here.

21. Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885)
It’s funny. Sometimes it’s weird to think that sometimes saying people’s middle initials sounds just plain wrong. Like Barack H. Obama, or most private citizens. But then you get to some presidents and public figures, and initials are all over the place. Chester A. Arthur, John Q. Public, Stephen T. Colbert, and Jesus H. Christ (do you think the H stands for Hussein?) all come to mind. But even odder is our culture’s fascination with the middle names of assassins. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman. Weird, right?

Oh, Chester A. Arthur? He was alright I guess.

22. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889)
The only president to have a muppet named after him. Or to be named after a muppet. He was mostly just a good dude doin’ an alright job, and people didn’t particularly hate him.

23. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893)
Grandson of ol’ pneumonia himself, William Henry Harrison. Created the Sherman Antitrust Act, which was later to bust up monopolies, and by history majors to bust up games of Monopoly.

24. Grover Cleveland (1893-1897)
The only president to have a crappy city in Ohio named after him. Or to be named after a crappy city in Ohio.

25. William McKinley (1891-1901)
Pro-business, pro-eyebrows, anti-William Jennings Bryan. They named a mountain in Alaska after him, the highest point in North America. Of course everyone who actually cares about these things still refers to it as Denali. I guess you could say McKinley was in Denali that someone had already named his mountain. Don’t get mad at my puns, we’ve got twenty presidents left.

26. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909)
Hoo boy. Let me go get a new pair of pants, here. This may not be my absolute favorite president, but this was the manliest man to ever man up the Man House. I mean White Man. I mean… shoot. He boxed, he hunted, and he fought people with sticks. Once, somebody hit THE SITTING PRESIDENT in the head with a stick so hard Roosevelt went blind in one eye. He immediately quit stick fighting. Until he got his sight back, then he started right back up.

"Tonight... YOU."
 Roosevelt deserves two paragraphs, one for each massive testicle. He was about to give a speech, and was shot in the heart before he started. Luckily, he was about to give a friggin’ long speech, and the wadded up paper in his pocket stopped most of the bullet. Most of it. So he excused himself from the crowd and went on to the hospit- OH NO SON HE GAVE THAT SPEECH. Bleeding from the chest. He finally passed at the ripe old age of 60. You say that’s not ripe? This man probably mauled a bear. When Roosevelt died, it was peacefully in his sleep. Why? In the words of Vice President Thomas Marshall, “Death had to take Roosevelt sleeping, for if he had been alive, there would have been a fight.”

A third, for his massive third testicle I imagine he had. He built the Panama Canal. “Mick, that totally destroyed a country and killed hundreds of workers!” Yeah, but suck one. The French tried and failed because they forgot one thing. They’re French.

27. William Howard Taft (1909-1913)
Many people comment on his fatness. He was pretty fat. But also, he had a rockin’ mustache, and busted up more monopolies than anyone else, which was pretty exciting for the times. Trust me.

Taft also broke up the monopolies of Diabeetus. 
28. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921)
He kept us out of World War One, then ran on the same platform for reelection. After winning again, totally entered us into World War One. Like, the very same year he got elected again. “Mick what about the sinking of the Lusitania?” Shut up, it totally deserved it. He totally foresaw everything that eventually led to World War Two, but was ignored. Especially by the French.

29. Warren G. Harding (1921-1923)
Progressive and actually was technically the one to end World War One, totally bypassing Wilson’s awesome “Let’s not screw over Germany too bad” plan. I’m going to be honest, I didn’t know he died in office. Whoops. Even though the whole “Child Welfare” thing he created seems to be pretty awesome, he’s normally ranked very low in a list of presidents.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Past, Presidents, and Future (pt 1)

     In England, they make kids memorize the line of kings and queens (kings). That’s a country that’s existed since, like, totes forever, and they have their school children memorizing who came out of whose loins. This country has been around for not even 250 years, and our children could probably not name eleven presidents. Hell, you probably couldn’t, you idiot.

"Why yes, a real man DOES know his Presidents." - Tom Selleck.
I'm on the other end of that phone call.
      So in order to help our nation’s children and my totally stupid readers out, I’ve compiled a list of all the Presidents of the United States of America in chronological order, with a little info about each. It’s only fair, right?

1. George Washington (1789-1797) 
Okay, who didn’t see this one coming? He’s the first, and arguably the best. Although to be fair, if everyone used you as the inspiration for what the thing you are should be, I’m willing to bet you’d be up there in popularity. If everyone started trying to be Mick Dickinson, I’d be one of the best Mick Dickinsons in history.

2. John Adams (1797-1801)
He’s ugly as hell. No kidding. He also liked to have sex outdoors, swim across the freezing Potomac, and totally crap all over the Bill of Rights (remember talking about that?).

3. Thomas Jefferson (1801- 1809)
Slave joke. He also was redheaded, and probably would never stop telling everyone about how awesome he was for writing the Declaration of Independence. Died on July 4, the same day as John Adams, his best frenemy ever.

4. James Madison (1809- 1817)
Tiny, tiny man. Over ¾ of his height was probably his magnificent brain, as he is the source of the Constitution, perhaps the greatest written document in politics.

5. James Monroe (1817- 1825)
In a turn of events that probably had early 19th century citizens highly confused, James M was succeeded by a James M. Not too much originality in the naming traditions of the age. He was the last Founding Father to be president, and established the Monroe Doctrine, which is a hilarious case of a little kid telling his older, European brothers they can’t play with his toys. The brothers didn’t really want to play with them anyway, but the little brother thinks “Wow, I’m so B.A.” Also the only president to have a foreign city named after him, after Monroe decided to send freed slaves back to Africa, like that'd fix things.

6. John Quincy Adams (1825- 1829)
Son of John “Not Quincy” Adams. Slightly less ugly, if a lot more corrupt on getting to the presidency. Way better at being in the Legislature, where he returned after he lost his re-election bid to…

7. Andrew Jackson (1829- 1837)
Second most B.A. president, but also possibly the biggest a-hole as well. As a general in the army, Jackson decided he was going to fight another battle even if the War of 1812 was over. Also, he invaded Florida on his own jurisdiction. And won. But these were things before he was president, hilariously enough. As president, he kicked about the entirety of Indians out of the South. Sorry about that, guys. He also survived an assassination attempt and went to work beating the crap out of the would-be assassin with his walking stick. Not content to be that awesome, he used “Old Hickory” as a nickname for his re-election, reminding people not to ever cross him. Ever.

"Only two guns? You've got to be sh**ing me."
 Read on for more lazily-researched info!