Monday, March 14, 2011

The Xenophobic's Guide to the World

     Recently, I’ve been writing history posts. I’ve gotten comments on them, and believe me, I know that history is widely boring. So, instead, I’m going to write about something 1000x more exciting- Geography!

     In America, we don’t get much global traveling around. Some would say that it’s because Americans are self-serving jerkbags afraid of anything different. I say it’s because visiting anything other than America is like Mr. Burns taking a vacation to the Tire Fire. So instead of using your hard earned (inherited) money to go to Bumhole, Czechoslovakia (spell that in one try, homeboy. I did) I’m taking you on a world’s tour led by an American whose only foreign experience was in Vancouver’s Chinatown. But in my defense, that’s like, double foreign. YOUR MONEY IS PINK AND YOUR LETTERS ARE CHINESE!

    Sorry. So, I figured I’ll come up with some countries, and then arrange them in alphabetical order. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, you’re only going to see the final product. I’m also writing this sitting on my couch, and that means exactly the same amount to you. And yet, I’m still writing. Am I padding my word count? Or do I just not want to have to actually start thinking of funny things to start saying about countries? Who knows? Ugh, moving on.

Canada
I’m going to start this block off with a quote from a friend. Let’s call him “Tom W.” Wait, that’s way too obvious. Instead we’ll call him “T. Waste”. So he was telling me how much he hates Canada, “Only 5 good things have come out of Canada; hockey, moose, beer, The Arcade Fire, and syrup.” I agree heavily, except I have to add three more things. Early ‘90’s Mike Meyers and Pamela Anderson’s natural breasts. Something like 75% of their population lives within 200 meters of America. The rest is just left for polar bears and X-Men movies, not to mention Hatchet novels. In closing, Canada is America’s hat.

Yeah. Canada.
England
Most people would make a tea and crumpets joke. Not I. I’m here to discuss the less-famous prevalence of curse usage in English society. You can’t go three sentences in England without hearing someone say c**t in a simply darling accent. I’m sure the Queen has even had her share of cockney slip out of her. “Cor blimey, Tony Blair is making such a sticky wicket out of this Iraq business, ‘inne?”  Speaking of their accent (pun?), has anyone ever been able to get away with more human rights violations simply because of what they sound like? “Oh dreadfully sorry, but I’m going to have to split you all up into different races so we can still be the majority!” “Pardon me, I hate to intrude, but all of your borders are now different. Ethnic differences? Oh bless me, that’s quite the bloody blunder, isn’t it? Well, tah!” Also, they drink a lot of tea and eat crumpets.

France
France. We come from France. The French’s national motto is a spitting sound. As in “Stoopid Ah-mer-ee-cahns, when will zey learn zat you cannot impress us? PEH!”. With their baguetts and Chanel suits, they think they rule the world. Well I got news for you, Frenchie, you don’t. I mean, when’s the last time that the French ever built a monument to anyone but themselves?

Germany
The most misunderstood country in the world. Ambition is a dangerous thing, as Germans will uncomfortably tell you. Just a note before continuing- The German Socialist Party did a lot of great things, too. They paved the way (pun again) for our modern day interstates, not to mention revolutionizing the level of organization in terms of census taking. Plus, every story needs a villain and let’s face it, nobody’s favorite Star Wars character is C-3PO, it’s always Boba Fett. No, I don’t know what this has to do with Germany, jerk. Germany has two different languages. One, spoken in southern Germany is called “High German” which takes the cake on “Most Pretentious Dialect Name Ever”. This language results in words like Sicherungsverwahrung1.
Low German speakers.
 See Germany, be more like England and have an adorable accent. Then maybe less people would hold onto terrible things.

Ireland
Look, my name is Mick. Maybe I shouldn’t be commenting on Ireland. If you get that joke, congratulations, you’re an ol’ timey racist. But the Know-Nothing Party (yes that’s really what they called themselves) was kinda right. I mean, it wasn’t until after the Irish got here that racial segregation really took off. Think about it. The best way to talk like (is saying “an Irishman” racist? I don’t even know anymore) is to hold your tongue at the back of your throat as far as possible. Ex (caution- strong language and accents).

Italy
Sometimes people say Italy looks like a boot. It’s for a good reason. Italy should be kicked out of the European Union! No, really, I don’t have anything else to say about this country. Except stop pretending you’re holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa. People have done it since Leonardo de Vinci forgot to realize Italy the country was as shifty as its citizens.

James Van Der Beek enjoys a good Italian joke
Liberia
What's the most depressing continent? That's right, Antarctica. But filing in at a close second would have to be Africa. So, in a fit of misguided attempts at repairing the horrible, horrible situation they had helped to produce, America happened upon a genius plan. How about sending slaves... back to Africa!? "Bully!" said then-American President James Monroe. So they loaded newly freed blacks just starting to get a toehold in America into boats and transported them on back to Africa. Of course, they'd need a place to do this, you can't just dump people into a country say "Well, here's some more people," and leave again! So America carves out their own little African colony, names it Liberia, and founds the capital in Monrovia. It still exists to this day. It'd be funny if I wasn't weeping so much.

Mexico
If Canada is America’s hat, then Mexico is naturally America’s beard. And much like the beard of most Americans, Mexico is filled with crumbs and miscellaneous trash. The best thing about Mexico is that they’ve figured out what the world wants of them, and just accepted it. If Mexico had a Statue of Liberty (or, as they would call it, El Statue de Liberty) on the inscription it would read, “Send me your drunk, your old, and your stoners.” While most border towns are either ruled by drug cartels or packs of feral dogs, Mexico City has the most billionaires of any city in the world. Which really proves that wealth is all about thriftiness. Bill Gates would be 100 times richer if he went to Mexico and spent $50 bucks for a trashbag full of Tylenol.

Russia
Like Mexico, but substitute sombreros for silly Russian hats and tequila for vodka. And instead of partying college kids, you have crying old women in headscarves. Really just a cheerful place.

WOOO SPRING BREAK '12

Serbia
Aside from the U.S.A, heaven on Earth. Well to be more specific, it’s more like Earth on Earth, if America was heaven. Does that make any sense? Just think of an Earth where everyone has flat brows and beards. And Hell is, of course, Bosnia.

Uganda
I knew I shouldn’t have promised someone2 to write about the first country they mentioned. I’m going to be completely honest. I know absolutely nothing about Africa. Not even enough to make something up. Only one country registers in my attention- Liberia. See Liberia. Although if you’re down here, you’ve either seen it already or were skipping around. Really, the only thing I know about Uganda is that “Uganda” sounds like the way a person from Uganda would say “Are you going to?”

1. German for preventive detention, which sounds like a P.C. buzz word for “arresting people before they do anything”. Don’t ever change, Germany.
2. Someone that thinks I’m not nice, yet this is your second shout-out. T. Waste is in second, with one.


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My brother recently started a blog, using mine as inspiration. Seeing as this is the first time I've inspired anything other than sex offender laws, I thought I should at least mention it. His blog is concerning stupid ideas for smart phone apps, a burgeoning market. So if you like that Dickinson charm, but wish your fart jokes came with a bit more subtlety, try it: http://dumbapps.blogspot.com/. But if you get more readers than me, seriously, screw off, Matt. I'll make sure my readers go through the same process of dumbining the same as frequent readers of any other electronic media. Wait, that's not how you spell dumbening. Can I even say dumbening? I don't see why not, it's a perfectly cromulent word.


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He gave up nosy questions for Lent, so stop asking,

Mick Dickinson

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