Monday, March 7, 2011

An Unassuming Blog Post

     In order to make sense of this crazy world we live in, it is not only understandable, but completely necessary for people to make some assumptions. Without these assumptions our lives would appear more confusing, scary, and depressing than they do already, and as a species I’m not sure we could take any more of that. Some of these generalizations are there for a good reason. We assume that all hand signals mean the same thing in multiple languages, lest we realize that some cultures have different standards of communication, and fall into a huge pit of positive globalization that we may never be able to escape. However, some assumptions are curious and widely unneeded if not possibly wrong.

     1. Aliens
     In actual, research-based science (unlike the gut-based science I live by) many scientists maintain that life outside our planet and solar system is an almost certainty. The giant amounts of planets each surrounding a huge number of stars, which make up an unimaginably large total of galaxies make life, even with its extremely low success rate, much more likely than we’re usually lead to believe. The understatement of this fact is probably due that to get to the edge of even our own solar system, traveling at the fastest (unreachable) pace in known existence, it would take over a full year.
     But that’s with modern science. As we all know, starships in science fiction like the Enterprise or the Millennium Falcon travel through space quicker than light due to utilizing wormholes. Or something, I don’t know. Some nerd could tell you that. But imagine that this technology one day becomes available, and we travel beyond our own solar backyard. We go shooting around, colonizing or maybe just exploring other planets. Humans as a species come together to facilitate the great planet of Earth’s profitable space-imperialism.
      All of a sudden, we find a planet that has creatures incapable of space flight, or indeed of really understanding anything about our motivations. They, a primitive people, never really figured out that there was an actual possibility of traveling between stars.

"You saw it, he just hopped out in front of the ship! I honked and everything!"
     So I ask you. In modern movies and television, why are we, humans, always the primitive peoples incapable of space travel? Why do aliens come find us? Who says we aren’t actually the most technologically advanced species in the entire universe, and space travel just has to wait another thousand years? I, for one, want to see a movie about humans dealing with primitive aliens that doesn’t involve the stupid word “unobtanium” and actually tackles relevant issues such as how humans would deal with such event as rational, often kind entities. Plus, explosions. We’d be the Russians in Space Red Dawn, like “Holy crap, we’re just trying to help these Space Coloradians, why do they keep stealing our Space AK-47s and Space RPGs? Space Patrick Swayze is kicking our butt!”

Meanwhile, "Space Charlie Sheen" has become redundant

     2. Culture shock
      Continuing in those lines, there are many movies or plot lines of sitcoms that involve unfreezing a caveman or at least an ancient individual. This unfrozen person is enraged by the pretty lights and noises in modern society, and flies into a homicidal blackout stage.
     Why? Like I understand it would take a little bit to get used to noises and lights he isn’t used to, but we does he get murderous? If I got to New York, I’m not going to start clubbing people left and right because it’s really noisy and bright. Well, unless I adopt this whole crack dealer persona I’ve been working on.
     But many people blame the caveman’s confusion on all the technology he doesn’t understand. Does anyone actually understand all this technology? Heck, put me in a blank room with only the components for a toaster, and I’ll probably have a full functioning bread-powered time machine in about six hours. If you don’t get that joke, then you need to watch more Simpsons.
     The caveman is confused by technology? Assuming he actually ever learned to speak English, why wouldn’t he just take our word for it? “See, Org, this is a car. You can drive it and it takes you places quicker than walking.” That’s about all I know about a car. The engine is powered by internal combustion, and something something pistons, but I’m really not sure how gas equals movement. “Org, this is an iPad. It’s relatively new. My two year old nephew can work it just as well as I can, so go at it. Just push things around.” I have absolutely no idea how iPads, or really computers in general change math into flinging birds at pigs with helmets, I just accept that they do, as will Org.

Who knew this would be the most realistic depiction
of unfrozen caveman (lawyers)?
       3. The Beatles
     Okay, I know I’m going to catch one hell of a lot of flak for this one. But why do we, as a culture, just accept that The Beatles were the best band to ever happen to music? Yes, they created so many musical ideas that to not list them as an inspiration would be ridiculous. They were also among the most commercially successful bands ever, but as Stephanie Meyer has proved, financial success does not necessarily mean skill. In music, it’s often the opposite. They were among the most influential and successful bands, yes, but were the Beatles actually the best rock band ever? Chord progression and simplistic rhythms (relatively, of course) are the Beatles’ trademark.
They are undoubtedly the best at un-ironic mustaches.
     Yes, they’re good. They’re certainly among my favorite people to listen to, and should probably be on everyone’s iPod. But I submit that someone more like Led Zeppelin would be more likely to be the greatest rock band ever. LZ introduced as many musical standards as the Beatles, and often was more technically impressive with their instruments. To even out the playing field, both totally stole their music from black people. I’m not trying to be hipster and only refer to classic rock, but only history tells us how actually good a band is.
      Digression- That reason is why I’m relatively unthreatened by Justin Bieber. Let’s put it this way- Microsoft Word recognizes “Beatles” and “Led” but not “Bieber”.  I love how he was, what, 16 years old when they made a movie about his life? The record company itself was like “Okay, this manufactured product is only really going to be popular for another year, tops. Let’s get a movie out there NOW.” Plus he's Canadian. I only listen to American artists, like the Rolling Stones, The Darkness, or Arcade Fire. The sad thing is that he actually has more talent than most pop artists. He’s able to actually sing and play instruments. So what songs do they write for him to sing? Things with a wireless mic, and repeated words.

     So yes I know that The Beatles were an awesome band, but the best? This country can’t decide what topping is best on pizza but we’ve apparently reached an agreement that no one can beat the Beatles. Pun? Also, it kinda gets my blood boiling when I see “ugh sergeant peppers issss such an underrated album” in my Twitter feed. UNFOLLOWED.

He just walks around the Valley of Death,

Mick Dickinson

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