Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Take 'Em to School

     I just thought I should start out with this- you guys are lucky to have me. Despite me not having a computer, I still made due with the school’s computer lab to bring you the post I am transcribing from handwriting. Handwriting! Can you imagine? What am I, Amish? Actually I should chill out with the Amish jokes, they might see this and be offended…

Jebidiah is PISSED!
      But, despite my handicaps, I still managed to tough it out and write a post. Now, I don’t know how many of you have been like “Thurrs lurnin’ in mah computer lookin’!” over the last couple of information-related blog posts, but I think I’ve found my niche. So this time, instead of events that took place before the relatively unfamous Amerigo Vespucci had half of the world named after him (How unknown is he? Let’s just say his name isn’t in spell check), I’ll cover some things that I hope will help you with modern problems, or more specifically, recognizing people who you can make look dumb in an argument. I think that goes on record as the longest sentence in Flandercrest Enterprises’ history. But anyway, on to the lurnin’. Watch for the twist ending.

1.  The First Amendment
     Now I’ve gone on record as being pro-Bill of Rights. I think it’s a pretty safe position to take. Well, I mean, unless you’re a Federalist. But for a country that rightfully prides itself on the “no-no’s” the government set up for itself, we’re not too good at really remembering or even understanding them. Let’s go over what many consider to be the most important amendment- the first one. Now I don’t know if these were on a most important is first basis or what, but let’s move on to the meat.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. – Amendment I of the United States Constitution

     Yes, yes, it’s great. I’ll pause if you want to hum the national anthem or chug an American-made beer for a second. Try doing both! Ready? Okay, let’s continue. Look at the first word. “Congress”. We recognize it as the largely inefficient yet still ≈93% incumbent legislative section of our government. This means that me deleting your comments on Facebook is not a violation of your First Amendment rights. Heck, even if Mark Zuckerberg personally made Facebook delete every status that is still referencing Charlie Sheen, that wouldn’t be an infraction of your rights. The whole entire point of the Bill of Rights is to control what the government can and can’t do. Let me say that again; every single amendment only applies to the federal government. The Founders, fallible and human, but still very smart, wrote it to keep the government they were setting up from making a law saying “Uh, yeah, no more talking bad things about the government anymore.” Of course, some people didn’t listen.
      So next time you hear about people complaining about a public figure being fired because of their stupid comments, and they reference the First Amendment, slap them in the face. That’s a private company distancing themselves from bad press. And freedom of religion and press are in there too, I guess. Same rules apply. Get fired for your religion? Yes, illegal, but not because of the First Amendment. 

The right to peacefully gather is also in the First Amendment.

Read on for more of why you're wrong!

2. The Constitution Doesn’t Give a S**t About the Judicial Branch
     Curiously enough, this section was going to be almost the exact opposite topic, detailing how the Judicial Branch shouldn’t be politically motivated, having to review cases towards public favor to avoid being voted out. I still stand firmly on that, but if you hear about the Constitution giving the Supreme Court the ability to review the legality of laws, you should immediately kick them in the groin. The section of the Constitution (Article III) that sets up the court system of the United States is almost an afterthought. It’s as if James Madison (the writer of the Constitution, and genius. Curious fact- he was like 5’ 2”. HA! Watch for him later) said “Uh, hey gents, what happens when we get arrested later for being this drunk?” And suddenly a third article (after the Legislative (I) and Executive (II) ) was formed.
     The actual article is something like one third the size dedicated to the Legislative Branch, which the founders wanted to be the center of power for the national government. Plus, its length is padded by an extra section because somebody said “Well we have this whole thing we wrote on treason, uh, how about sticking it at the end of that stupid judicial system John Jay is being such a buttmunch about?” It’s mostly concerned with setting up the hierarchy of the courts, and detailing what kind of cases the Supreme Court would hear. For the record, they are; any case between states, cases with a foreign dignitary, discussions on whether to use "who" or "whom, or cases that have been appealed all the way to the top court. Article III doesn’t talk about powers the Judicial Branch has because they didn’t really have any. They were originally designed to rule on a case by case basis, like a regular court, but with more judges and fancier gavels.
     So why can the S.C. now declare certain laws illegal? (History ahead) Because at the end of John Adams Sr.’s presidency (He was #2), he decided to do what is now referred to as “midnight appointments.” No, he didn’t visit hookers with Ben Franklin, he started filling as many life-long positions as he could before Thomas Jefferson moved his red-haired butt on in to the newly built White House.
     To make an extremely long story only moderately long, the appointment of this guy named William Marbury was late because Jefferson had taken office, and commanded James Madison (told you he’d be back), his Secretary of State, not to deliver the envelope giving him the position. Congress at large was pissed, and made a law saying the Judicial Branch could give this thing called a Writ of Mandamus, commanding federal employees to do certain things, like deliver envelopes. Meanwhile, Marbury, jobless, took Madison to court. 
Not that Marbury.

      The Court, led by Chief Justice John Marshall, sided with Madison and just happened to mention “Oh, yeah, and Congress is wrong about this whole Writ of Mandamus thing,” therefore striking it from the books. So now, because of a thing called “legal precedent”, the court has the power to do that for every law. As long as someone sues the government, or there was a case that was even halfway relevant. So you know that system of checks and balances we all learned in school? It wasn’t fully completed until the third president was in power.
"I choose you, Mandamus!"

 3. There are only 46 states
     Virginia, Maryland, Kentucky and Pennsylvania are all officially commonwealths. Fun fact.

4. The President Doesn’t Make Any Laws
     Now I know you’re probably saying “Duh, Mick. The first Article of the Constitution gives that power to Congress.” You’re right. But when you’ve heard, with your ears, the sentence “If I was president, I’d make all the lazy people slaves,” you tend to try and make sure it never gets uttered again. There’s not a single part of that sentence that makes half a bit of sense. 1. Lazy people would make the worst slaves. 2. Korey, you’re not retarded yet you’re so stupid you’re in a Special Ed class, you’re not going to be president. And 3. I don’t care if you got a B in government class, your statement is still stupid.
     More than that, presidents shouldn’t be blamed for laws passed under their administration. Sure, President Obama put forth a controversial plan for reconfiguring healthcare. But the bloated and unpopular bill that was passed was so different from his original plan from compromises and pork additions that it is almost unrecognizable. So what is this heap of bureaucracy called? Obamacare! Seems fair. And when Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R, MN) tells the country that she expects the President to repeal the bill AFTER IT’S BEEN PASSED, I really have to wonder why I’m still putting up with this whole entire planet.

If you look close enough you can see everything wrong with America in her cold, dead eyes.

      So really I only taught you two legitimate lessons and two unusable or obvious lessons. But such is life. The twist I mentioned? There isn’t one. Didn’t see that coming, did you?!

Once he hit a guy into the ground like a stake with a shovel,
Mick Dickinson

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