It was 60 degrees, or at least felt like it, today. So I’m calling it- spring has arrived. The magical season where everything returns to life, and optimism is in the air. No other time in the year can match the unbridled joy of realizing “Hey, I don’t have to wear a sweatshirt every day anymore,” not even the day where you get out of Sweatshirt Jail. So in the spirit of spring, the spirit that doesn’t involve trying to pretend you don’t notice the girl in front of you pretty much isn’t wearing pants, I thought I’d share some joyous news: I’m a certified genius.
Well, I made the certificate myself, and it’s made out of crayon, but, you know, it still exists. Do you know you can just go to a Kinko’s and they’ll make anything? I could have them print out a large male dong. And they’d do it. I’d giggle like a giddy schoolgirl as I taped that thing together. The reason for making myself this certificate I’m now putting in a frame, replacing my diploma, is that I have so many business ideas I should just be called Capital-isto 2000, The Business (and Love) Making Machine.
|Capital-isto v. 1.0|
1. Fortune Cookies
Everybody gets fortune cookies these days. Heck, I’m surprised if they’re not included in Happy Meals in Chinatowns across the U.S.! Racism! But also, the messages each cookie contains is obviously not a fortune, that’d be too expensive to hire actual soothsayers. Even outsourcing your soothsaying to India will cost you a pretty rupee (Racism?). So instead of having stupid fortune cookies like “Notebooks don’t record ideas, they create them”, (WHICH I JUST MADE UP BUT IS TOTALLY 100X BETTER THAN ANYTHING IN THESE COOKIES) my company will make extremely specific, yet very vague fortunes.
How will I do this? By making statements that include advice, but no real explanation, of course. “Own a suit? You had better get a new one!” What, will I have an important job interview soon? Is someone I know gonna die and the funeral going to be the same day as Joanna’s wedding and I can’t wear the same suit to both cause I just know that bitch Marsha is going to be at both and she’d totally be the type to call me out on it and I mean it just seems plain wrong to wear the same clothes to two completely opposite events even though I guess a birth would be the opposite of a funeral but still you know what I mean?!
|Nobody even likes Marsha. Especially not imitation|
American Psycho Christian Bale up there.
*Ahem* Sorry. But whoever gets that fortune cookie is certainly going to buy a new suit. You can’t ignore that straight forward of advice, especially from a dessert. Then we could drop the creepy ones in every once and awhile. “Someone thinking of you… while touching themselves.” And certainly have the depressing ones. “You know that person you’re absolutely in love with? They barely know you exist.” It’d sum up a lot of relationships, mostly those concerning me and the citizens of Serbia, me and Danger Guerrero, and me and every musical artist I like.
2. Cardboard Cut-out-let
What’s the best thing about convenience stores? The broken English. But seriously folks, the best thing about these glorified gas stations is the life-size cardboard cut outs. Now I know that Jose Conseco’s favorite candy is certainly Charleston Chew. How? His creepy smile and unblinking eyes told me! So even though these trailer park statues seem to be everywhere, really ask yourself where you could get one of your own, were you so inclined. Not much comes to mind, so I say investors should… um… invest in my cardboard cut-out store. We’d have a bunch of celebrities, both loved and hated, in stock. Imagine the number of Taylor Lautners we would sell to lonely suburban mothers each time a Twilight movie came out. That alone would return the costs by fivefold. Then we’d of course have the sitting President for people who enjoy drawing Hitler mustaches on people.
But the star money maker would be our requests window. Bring us a picture of your subject, and we’ll make it into your full size cutout for you. You can have yourself, or maybe a crush, or a stalkee, or even your own private army of That-Girl-Down-The-Halls. Imagine the wild times at parties when you actually can be in more than one place at once. “Wait, Mick, wasn’t this a side plot of Scrubs once?” Shut up.
Let’s face it. Your friends are stupid. They can’t think of funny enough things to say, and they honestly know too much about your “business dealings” for them to be given free reign. And if you don’t have friends to silently hate, then this service goes double for you.
It works like this. You come to us, give us a list of qualities you’d like to convince people you have, and one slightly-but-not-really embarrassing anecdote for us to tell, and we’ll rent you a handsome, put together, temporary best man. He’s a good dancer, has a strong jaw, will never lose your rings, and can even handle the worst maid of honor on his way down the aisle. Our mostly pre-arranged toasts can be augmented as the customer sees fit. We also supply ugly best men to make the groom look better by comparison. Maids of honor cost extra, because it’s not cheap to fake drunken crying.
|"Wendell over here is the... Wait, your name is actually Wendell?!|
Seriously? It's seriously Wendell."
Attn. Hollywood: “Rent-a-Groomsman” starring Sam Worthington/ Matthew McConaughey falling in love with Mila Kunis, the maid of honor at the wedding he was rented to, only to find out she was a rented bridesmaid who has commitment issues, is still open.
I wrote about this in my last post. I didn’t publicize that one, mostly because I wrote it as my only escape from boredom, so I’m promoting it now. No I don’t know what that is supposed to accomplish. Shut up, just read the part about bras, then come back here.
Now that you’re back, I’m out of ideas. What? You weren’t gone that long. You’ve got to give me time to recover. I gave you a movie idea that’s not fully flushed out in a post about businesses! Cut me some slack.
He’s wondering why nobody told him about Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik before now,