Thursday, March 31, 2011

Capitalism Wins Again!

      It was 60 degrees, or at least felt like it, today. So I’m calling it- spring has arrived. The magical season where everything returns to life, and optimism is in the air. No other time in the year can match the unbridled joy of realizing “Hey, I don’t have to wear a sweatshirt every day anymore,” not even the day where you get out of Sweatshirt Jail. So in the spirit of spring, the spirit that doesn’t involve trying to pretend you don’t notice the girl in front of you pretty much isn’t wearing pants, I thought I’d share some joyous news: I’m a certified genius.

     Well, I made the certificate myself, and it’s made out of crayon, but, you know, it still exists. Do you know you can just go to a Kinko’s and they’ll make anything? I could have them print out a large male dong. And they’d do it. I’d giggle like a giddy schoolgirl as I taped that thing together. The reason for making myself this certificate I’m now putting in a frame, replacing my diploma, is that I have so many business ideas I should just be called Capital-isto 2000, The Business (and Love) Making Machine.

Capital-isto v. 1.0

1. Fortune Cookies
     Everybody gets fortune cookies these days. Heck, I’m surprised if they’re not included in Happy Meals in Chinatowns across the U.S.! Racism! But also, the messages each cookie contains is obviously not a fortune, that’d be too expensive to hire actual soothsayers. Even outsourcing your soothsaying to India will cost you a pretty rupee (Racism?). So instead of having stupid fortune cookies like “Notebooks don’t record ideas, they create them”, (WHICH I JUST MADE UP BUT IS TOTALLY 100X BETTER THAN ANYTHING IN THESE COOKIES) my company will make extremely specific, yet very vague fortunes.
     How will I do this? By making statements that include advice, but no real explanation, of course. “Own a suit? You had better get a new one!” What, will I have an important job interview soon? Is someone I know gonna die and the funeral going to be the same day as Joanna’s wedding and I can’t wear the same suit to both cause I just know that bitch Marsha is going to be at both and she’d totally be the type to call me out on it and I mean it just seems plain wrong to wear the same clothes to two completely opposite events even though I guess a birth would be the opposite of a funeral but still you know what I mean?!
Nobody even likes Marsha. Especially not imitation
American Psycho Christian Bale up there.
     *Ahem* Sorry. But whoever gets that fortune cookie is certainly going to buy a new suit. You can’t ignore that straight forward of advice, especially from a dessert.  Then we could drop the creepy ones in every once and awhile. “Someone thinking of you… while touching themselves.” And certainly have the depressing ones. “You know that person you’re absolutely in love with? They barely know you exist.” It’d sum up a lot of relationships, mostly those concerning me and the citizens of Serbia, me and Danger Guerrero, and me and every musical artist I like.

2. Cardboard Cut-out-let
     What’s the best thing about convenience stores? The broken English. But seriously folks, the best thing about these glorified gas stations is the life-size cardboard cut outs. Now I know that Jose Conseco’s favorite candy is certainly Charleston Chew. How? His creepy smile and unblinking eyes told me! So even though these trailer park statues seem to be everywhere, really ask yourself where you could get one of your own, were you so inclined. Not much comes to mind, so I say investors should… um… invest in my cardboard cut-out store. We’d have a bunch of celebrities, both loved and hated, in stock. Imagine the number of Taylor Lautners we would sell to lonely suburban mothers each time a Twilight movie came out. That alone would return the costs by fivefold. Then we’d of course have the sitting President for people who enjoy drawing Hitler mustaches on people.
     But the star money maker would be our requests window. Bring us a picture of your subject, and we’ll make it into your full size cutout for you. You can have yourself, or maybe a crush, or a stalkee, or even your own private army of That-Girl-Down-The-Halls. Imagine the wild times at parties when you actually can be in more than one place at once. “Wait, Mick, wasn’t this a side plot of Scrubs once?” Shut up.

3. Rent-a-Groomsman
     Let’s face it. Your friends are stupid. They can’t think of funny enough things to say, and they honestly know too much about your “business dealings” for them to be given free reign. And if you don’t have friends to silently hate, then this service goes double for you.
     It works like this. You come to us, give us a list of qualities you’d like to convince people you have, and one slightly-but-not-really embarrassing anecdote for us to tell, and we’ll rent you a handsome, put together, temporary best man. He’s a good dancer, has a strong jaw, will never lose your rings, and can even handle the worst maid of honor on his way down the aisle. Our mostly pre-arranged toasts can be augmented as the customer sees fit. We also supply ugly best men to make the groom look better by comparison. Maids of honor cost extra, because it’s not cheap to fake drunken crying.

"Wendell over here is the... Wait, your name is actually Wendell?!
Seriously? It's seriously Wendell."
    Attn. Hollywood: “Rent-a-Groomsman” starring Sam Worthington/ Matthew McConaughey falling in love with Mila Kunis, the maid of honor at the wedding he was rented to, only to find out she was a rented bridesmaid who has commitment issues, is still open.

4. Valu-Bras
     I wrote about this in my last post. I didn’t publicize that one, mostly because I wrote it as my only escape from boredom, so I’m promoting it now. No I don’t know what that is supposed to accomplish. Shut up, just read the part about bras, then come back here.

     Now that you’re back, I’m out of ideas. What? You weren’t gone that long. You’ve got to give me time to recover. I gave you a movie idea that’s not fully flushed out in a post about businesses! Cut me some slack.

He’s wondering why nobody told him about Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik before now,

Mick Dickinson

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Mick Goofs Off

     I'm in class right now. No kidding. There's a lady at the front of the room telling our teacher how to find sources. I don't think it's any stretch of the imagination to assume she's the only one listening. Seeing as the person next to me is on XKCD, and all three people I can see in front of me are on Facebook, I'm not feeling very guilty. The only challenge is quietly typing. But, I have to admit, I'm mostly writing this right now to relieve my boredom. I have no topic in mind for right now.

     So, what's in the news, huh? *Looks at newspaper* Uh, let's move on.

     I finished a story I've been writing for over nine months. It's 43 pages long. I have to break it into parts just to print it, as it exceeds the lab's printing limit. I'm probably never going to be done with it, though. Always finding typos and plot holes. Like how the big brain leaves the Earth for no raisin. My roommate looks the huge stack of paper and says, "What are you going to do with this?" Damnit, man! Let me have my moment of accomplishment before you bring me back down to Earth when I have to say "Uh... Have it?" I mean I really don't think these things through before starting all of my projects. How often do I play chess, much less play chess with a shoddily whittled set? In case you haven't heard, I'm making one of those, too.

     I hate the amount of time I will have to put into naming my kids. I was going to name my first child Luke, till I realized people would call him Lick. Lick Dickinson. That's not cool. Come on. I have to think like a middle schooler (more than normal) in order to head any mean nicknames at the pass.

I hate that cliche!
     I haven't even stopped to think of any girls names I will have to avoid. That's because I'm not having a daughter. College aged Mick just puts his foot down on that. Have you ever spent time with girls!? How am I supposed to deal with the problems of raising a child AND deal with all of their silly problems? Say I put them out for sports. If they win, they start yelling and jumping all around! But if they're so bad that they lose to girls at sports, then they all start crying. And if they're not doing either of these things, they'll be saying dumb things. Well maybe I could just not sign my kids up for sports, huh? WRONG. 1. My girl would have no friends which means MORE time I'd have to spend with her hysterical butt, and 2. Then I'd have to sign her up for dance. Have you ever seen these dances that the girls end up doing? You can't find sluttier clothed moves, save for maybe a Mormon strip club. Then you go to these competitions and there are the dads that you can just tell are dead inside.

     I can't imagine how they justify the obvious sexualization their daughters went through. My daughter's not going to know she has boobs till she's 18, and that's only because of health classes the public school system (let's admit it, I'm going to be a teacher: no private school for my kids) forces on her. I know some girls that had their mothers go to Victoria Secret with them to buy bras. Nope. I'm buying all of my daughter's bras in 20 packs at Wal-Mart, the same way I buy my socks. In addition to the "My daughter is growing frighteningly attractive" group, they'd be massively popular with the group that's just plain given up. You know, Twilight fans.

     This is rambling and everything but I still have half an hour to go in class. Ugh. I just died a little thinking about that. I wish I wasn't such a prolific writer, and this many words would take a lot longer. Yeah, yeah, that's right I just brag-complained.

     Well, class is done, and I finished our little activity to check to see if we were listening first. So, you know, LIKE A BOSS

He's been blastin' and laughin so long that even his ma'ma thinks that his mind is gone,
Mick Dickinson

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Take 'Em to School

     I just thought I should start out with this- you guys are lucky to have me. Despite me not having a computer, I still made due with the school’s computer lab to bring you the post I am transcribing from handwriting. Handwriting! Can you imagine? What am I, Amish? Actually I should chill out with the Amish jokes, they might see this and be offended…

Jebidiah is PISSED!
      But, despite my handicaps, I still managed to tough it out and write a post. Now, I don’t know how many of you have been like “Thurrs lurnin’ in mah computer lookin’!” over the last couple of information-related blog posts, but I think I’ve found my niche. So this time, instead of events that took place before the relatively unfamous Amerigo Vespucci had half of the world named after him (How unknown is he? Let’s just say his name isn’t in spell check), I’ll cover some things that I hope will help you with modern problems, or more specifically, recognizing people who you can make look dumb in an argument. I think that goes on record as the longest sentence in Flandercrest Enterprises’ history. But anyway, on to the lurnin’. Watch for the twist ending.

1.  The First Amendment
     Now I’ve gone on record as being pro-Bill of Rights. I think it’s a pretty safe position to take. Well, I mean, unless you’re a Federalist. But for a country that rightfully prides itself on the “no-no’s” the government set up for itself, we’re not too good at really remembering or even understanding them. Let’s go over what many consider to be the most important amendment- the first one. Now I don’t know if these were on a most important is first basis or what, but let’s move on to the meat.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. – Amendment I of the United States Constitution

     Yes, yes, it’s great. I’ll pause if you want to hum the national anthem or chug an American-made beer for a second. Try doing both! Ready? Okay, let’s continue. Look at the first word. “Congress”. We recognize it as the largely inefficient yet still ≈93% incumbent legislative section of our government. This means that me deleting your comments on Facebook is not a violation of your First Amendment rights. Heck, even if Mark Zuckerberg personally made Facebook delete every status that is still referencing Charlie Sheen, that wouldn’t be an infraction of your rights. The whole entire point of the Bill of Rights is to control what the government can and can’t do. Let me say that again; every single amendment only applies to the federal government. The Founders, fallible and human, but still very smart, wrote it to keep the government they were setting up from making a law saying “Uh, yeah, no more talking bad things about the government anymore.” Of course, some people didn’t listen.
      So next time you hear about people complaining about a public figure being fired because of their stupid comments, and they reference the First Amendment, slap them in the face. That’s a private company distancing themselves from bad press. And freedom of religion and press are in there too, I guess. Same rules apply. Get fired for your religion? Yes, illegal, but not because of the First Amendment. 

The right to peacefully gather is also in the First Amendment.

Read on for more of why you're wrong!

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Xenophobic's Guide to the World

     Recently, I’ve been writing history posts. I’ve gotten comments on them, and believe me, I know that history is widely boring. So, instead, I’m going to write about something 1000x more exciting- Geography!

     In America, we don’t get much global traveling around. Some would say that it’s because Americans are self-serving jerkbags afraid of anything different. I say it’s because visiting anything other than America is like Mr. Burns taking a vacation to the Tire Fire. So instead of using your hard earned (inherited) money to go to Bumhole, Czechoslovakia (spell that in one try, homeboy. I did) I’m taking you on a world’s tour led by an American whose only foreign experience was in Vancouver’s Chinatown. But in my defense, that’s like, double foreign. YOUR MONEY IS PINK AND YOUR LETTERS ARE CHINESE!

    Sorry. So, I figured I’ll come up with some countries, and then arrange them in alphabetical order. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, you’re only going to see the final product. I’m also writing this sitting on my couch, and that means exactly the same amount to you. And yet, I’m still writing. Am I padding my word count? Or do I just not want to have to actually start thinking of funny things to start saying about countries? Who knows? Ugh, moving on.

Canada
I’m going to start this block off with a quote from a friend. Let’s call him “Tom W.” Wait, that’s way too obvious. Instead we’ll call him “T. Waste”. So he was telling me how much he hates Canada, “Only 5 good things have come out of Canada; hockey, moose, beer, The Arcade Fire, and syrup.” I agree heavily, except I have to add three more things. Early ‘90’s Mike Meyers and Pamela Anderson’s natural breasts. Something like 75% of their population lives within 200 meters of America. The rest is just left for polar bears and X-Men movies, not to mention Hatchet novels. In closing, Canada is America’s hat.

Yeah. Canada.
England
Most people would make a tea and crumpets joke. Not I. I’m here to discuss the less-famous prevalence of curse usage in English society. You can’t go three sentences in England without hearing someone say c**t in a simply darling accent. I’m sure the Queen has even had her share of cockney slip out of her. “Cor blimey, Tony Blair is making such a sticky wicket out of this Iraq business, ‘inne?”  Speaking of their accent (pun?), has anyone ever been able to get away with more human rights violations simply because of what they sound like? “Oh dreadfully sorry, but I’m going to have to split you all up into different races so we can still be the majority!” “Pardon me, I hate to intrude, but all of your borders are now different. Ethnic differences? Oh bless me, that’s quite the bloody blunder, isn’t it? Well, tah!” Also, they drink a lot of tea and eat crumpets.

France
France. We come from France. The French’s national motto is a spitting sound. As in “Stoopid Ah-mer-ee-cahns, when will zey learn zat you cannot impress us? PEH!”. With their baguetts and Chanel suits, they think they rule the world. Well I got news for you, Frenchie, you don’t. I mean, when’s the last time that the French ever built a monument to anyone but themselves?

Germany
The most misunderstood country in the world. Ambition is a dangerous thing, as Germans will uncomfortably tell you. Just a note before continuing- The German Socialist Party did a lot of great things, too. They paved the way (pun again) for our modern day interstates, not to mention revolutionizing the level of organization in terms of census taking. Plus, every story needs a villain and let’s face it, nobody’s favorite Star Wars character is C-3PO, it’s always Boba Fett. No, I don’t know what this has to do with Germany, jerk. Germany has two different languages. One, spoken in southern Germany is called “High German” which takes the cake on “Most Pretentious Dialect Name Ever”. This language results in words like Sicherungsverwahrung1.
Low German speakers.
 See Germany, be more like England and have an adorable accent. Then maybe less people would hold onto terrible things.

Ireland
Look, my name is Mick. Maybe I shouldn’t be commenting on Ireland. If you get that joke, congratulations, you’re an ol’ timey racist. But the Know-Nothing Party (yes that’s really what they called themselves) was kinda right. I mean, it wasn’t until after the Irish got here that racial segregation really took off. Think about it. The best way to talk like (is saying “an Irishman” racist? I don’t even know anymore) is to hold your tongue at the back of your throat as far as possible. Ex (caution- strong language and accents).

Italy
Sometimes people say Italy looks like a boot. It’s for a good reason. Italy should be kicked out of the European Union! No, really, I don’t have anything else to say about this country. Except stop pretending you’re holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa. People have done it since Leonardo de Vinci forgot to realize Italy the country was as shifty as its citizens.

James Van Der Beek enjoys a good Italian joke
Liberia
What's the most depressing continent? That's right, Antarctica. But filing in at a close second would have to be Africa. So, in a fit of misguided attempts at repairing the horrible, horrible situation they had helped to produce, America happened upon a genius plan. How about sending slaves... back to Africa!? "Bully!" said then-American President James Monroe. So they loaded newly freed blacks just starting to get a toehold in America into boats and transported them on back to Africa. Of course, they'd need a place to do this, you can't just dump people into a country say "Well, here's some more people," and leave again! So America carves out their own little African colony, names it Liberia, and founds the capital in Monrovia. It still exists to this day. It'd be funny if I wasn't weeping so much.

Mexico
If Canada is America’s hat, then Mexico is naturally America’s beard. And much like the beard of most Americans, Mexico is filled with crumbs and miscellaneous trash. The best thing about Mexico is that they’ve figured out what the world wants of them, and just accepted it. If Mexico had a Statue of Liberty (or, as they would call it, El Statue de Liberty) on the inscription it would read, “Send me your drunk, your old, and your stoners.” While most border towns are either ruled by drug cartels or packs of feral dogs, Mexico City has the most billionaires of any city in the world. Which really proves that wealth is all about thriftiness. Bill Gates would be 100 times richer if he went to Mexico and spent $50 bucks for a trashbag full of Tylenol.

Russia
Like Mexico, but substitute sombreros for silly Russian hats and tequila for vodka. And instead of partying college kids, you have crying old women in headscarves. Really just a cheerful place.

WOOO SPRING BREAK '12

Serbia
Aside from the U.S.A, heaven on Earth. Well to be more specific, it’s more like Earth on Earth, if America was heaven. Does that make any sense? Just think of an Earth where everyone has flat brows and beards. And Hell is, of course, Bosnia.

Uganda
I knew I shouldn’t have promised someone2 to write about the first country they mentioned. I’m going to be completely honest. I know absolutely nothing about Africa. Not even enough to make something up. Only one country registers in my attention- Liberia. See Liberia. Although if you’re down here, you’ve either seen it already or were skipping around. Really, the only thing I know about Uganda is that “Uganda” sounds like the way a person from Uganda would say “Are you going to?”

1. German for preventive detention, which sounds like a P.C. buzz word for “arresting people before they do anything”. Don’t ever change, Germany.
2. Someone that thinks I’m not nice, yet this is your second shout-out. T. Waste is in second, with one.


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My brother recently started a blog, using mine as inspiration. Seeing as this is the first time I've inspired anything other than sex offender laws, I thought I should at least mention it. His blog is concerning stupid ideas for smart phone apps, a burgeoning market. So if you like that Dickinson charm, but wish your fart jokes came with a bit more subtlety, try it: http://dumbapps.blogspot.com/. But if you get more readers than me, seriously, screw off, Matt. I'll make sure my readers go through the same process of dumbining the same as frequent readers of any other electronic media. Wait, that's not how you spell dumbening. Can I even say dumbening? I don't see why not, it's a perfectly cromulent word.


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He gave up nosy questions for Lent, so stop asking,

Mick Dickinson

Monday, March 7, 2011

An Unassuming Blog Post

     In order to make sense of this crazy world we live in, it is not only understandable, but completely necessary for people to make some assumptions. Without these assumptions our lives would appear more confusing, scary, and depressing than they do already, and as a species I’m not sure we could take any more of that. Some of these generalizations are there for a good reason. We assume that all hand signals mean the same thing in multiple languages, lest we realize that some cultures have different standards of communication, and fall into a huge pit of positive globalization that we may never be able to escape. However, some assumptions are curious and widely unneeded if not possibly wrong.

     1. Aliens
     In actual, research-based science (unlike the gut-based science I live by) many scientists maintain that life outside our planet and solar system is an almost certainty. The giant amounts of planets each surrounding a huge number of stars, which make up an unimaginably large total of galaxies make life, even with its extremely low success rate, much more likely than we’re usually lead to believe. The understatement of this fact is probably due that to get to the edge of even our own solar system, traveling at the fastest (unreachable) pace in known existence, it would take over a full year.
     But that’s with modern science. As we all know, starships in science fiction like the Enterprise or the Millennium Falcon travel through space quicker than light due to utilizing wormholes. Or something, I don’t know. Some nerd could tell you that. But imagine that this technology one day becomes available, and we travel beyond our own solar backyard. We go shooting around, colonizing or maybe just exploring other planets. Humans as a species come together to facilitate the great planet of Earth’s profitable space-imperialism.
      All of a sudden, we find a planet that has creatures incapable of space flight, or indeed of really understanding anything about our motivations. They, a primitive people, never really figured out that there was an actual possibility of traveling between stars.

"You saw it, he just hopped out in front of the ship! I honked and everything!"
     So I ask you. In modern movies and television, why are we, humans, always the primitive peoples incapable of space travel? Why do aliens come find us? Who says we aren’t actually the most technologically advanced species in the entire universe, and space travel just has to wait another thousand years? I, for one, want to see a movie about humans dealing with primitive aliens that doesn’t involve the stupid word “unobtanium” and actually tackles relevant issues such as how humans would deal with such event as rational, often kind entities. Plus, explosions. We’d be the Russians in Space Red Dawn, like “Holy crap, we’re just trying to help these Space Coloradians, why do they keep stealing our Space AK-47s and Space RPGs? Space Patrick Swayze is kicking our butt!”

Meanwhile, "Space Charlie Sheen" has become redundant

     2. Culture shock
      Continuing in those lines, there are many movies or plot lines of sitcoms that involve unfreezing a caveman or at least an ancient individual. This unfrozen person is enraged by the pretty lights and noises in modern society, and flies into a homicidal blackout stage.
     Why? Like I understand it would take a little bit to get used to noises and lights he isn’t used to, but we does he get murderous? If I got to New York, I’m not going to start clubbing people left and right because it’s really noisy and bright. Well, unless I adopt this whole crack dealer persona I’ve been working on.
     But many people blame the caveman’s confusion on all the technology he doesn’t understand. Does anyone actually understand all this technology? Heck, put me in a blank room with only the components for a toaster, and I’ll probably have a full functioning bread-powered time machine in about six hours. If you don’t get that joke, then you need to watch more Simpsons.
     The caveman is confused by technology? Assuming he actually ever learned to speak English, why wouldn’t he just take our word for it? “See, Org, this is a car. You can drive it and it takes you places quicker than walking.” That’s about all I know about a car. The engine is powered by internal combustion, and something something pistons, but I’m really not sure how gas equals movement. “Org, this is an iPad. It’s relatively new. My two year old nephew can work it just as well as I can, so go at it. Just push things around.” I have absolutely no idea how iPads, or really computers in general change math into flinging birds at pigs with helmets, I just accept that they do, as will Org.

Who knew this would be the most realistic depiction
of unfrozen caveman (lawyers)?
       3. The Beatles
     Okay, I know I’m going to catch one hell of a lot of flak for this one. But why do we, as a culture, just accept that The Beatles were the best band to ever happen to music? Yes, they created so many musical ideas that to not list them as an inspiration would be ridiculous. They were also among the most commercially successful bands ever, but as Stephanie Meyer has proved, financial success does not necessarily mean skill. In music, it’s often the opposite. They were among the most influential and successful bands, yes, but were the Beatles actually the best rock band ever? Chord progression and simplistic rhythms (relatively, of course) are the Beatles’ trademark.
They are undoubtedly the best at un-ironic mustaches.
     Yes, they’re good. They’re certainly among my favorite people to listen to, and should probably be on everyone’s iPod. But I submit that someone more like Led Zeppelin would be more likely to be the greatest rock band ever. LZ introduced as many musical standards as the Beatles, and often was more technically impressive with their instruments. To even out the playing field, both totally stole their music from black people. I’m not trying to be hipster and only refer to classic rock, but only history tells us how actually good a band is.
    
      Digression- That reason is why I’m relatively unthreatened by Justin Bieber. Let’s put it this way- Microsoft Word recognizes “Beatles” and “Led” but not “Bieber”.  I love how he was, what, 16 years old when they made a movie about his life? The record company itself was like “Okay, this manufactured product is only really going to be popular for another year, tops. Let’s get a movie out there NOW.” Plus he's Canadian. I only listen to American artists, like the Rolling Stones, The Darkness, or Arcade Fire. The sad thing is that he actually has more talent than most pop artists. He’s able to actually sing and play instruments. So what songs do they write for him to sing? Things with a wireless mic, and repeated words.

     So yes I know that The Beatles were an awesome band, but the best? This country can’t decide what topping is best on pizza but we’ve apparently reached an agreement that no one can beat the Beatles. Pun? Also, it kinda gets my blood boiling when I see “ugh sergeant peppers issss such an underrated album” in my Twitter feed. UNFOLLOWED.

He just walks around the Valley of Death,

Mick Dickinson

Friday, March 4, 2011

The Cinema of History

     I got a lot of feedback from my last post, detailing the spread of democracy shown as grinding at a high school dance. I heard that by writing history in a new way it made understanding it easier, and increased people’s willingness to maybe pay attention to something historical. Actually, I didn’t hear any of that. I just needed a justification to write two history-related posts in a row. So sue me, jerks.

     But since we’ve already covered tarnishing the Statue of Liberty’s flawless reputation by depicting her grinding with what I had always assumed to be a high-school age Uncle Sam, where can we go with history now? One thing that I think is under appreciated about the subject is that how mind-bendingly cinematic it can be. We’re jaded in our current times by seeing things like a leader of a country willing to open his country’s armories to the general public in a time of rioting, and we fail to realize just how good of a movie some things in the past could be.

Gaddafi can't stay awake during the real thing, much less a movie.
     Now, we all know that Hollywood is made up of producers that pick their projects based on whichever script can be rolled up in order to snort the most coke, but there are chances for decent movies based on real events. If they’re made more historically accurate than we’d usually encounter, some movies would supplant those that we have the ability to make up on our own. Like Charlie Murphy once said, “We have a lot of great storytellers in the world, but who can make that s**t up?” Of course, he was talking about karate-kicking Rick James in the chest, but it stays true for those events we’re used to reading about only in our history books. But enough with my stupid justifications, on to the movie pitches. These are only some of the ones I can think of, and all the events take place within two centuries of each other, barely a blink of the eye in the grand scope of things.

1.       1. Cortez and Montezuma
      The story of the Spanish conquest is one of great sorrows for anyone who’s not European. Massive disease, pillaging, and colonization resulting in the African slave trade are just some of the side effects of the Spanish really really wanting to find a route to China. But not everything about Spain’s conquistadors was an effort to completely decimate the surrounding peoples.
     After hearing about the Aztec’s great wealth, Spaniard Hernan Cortez decides to travel to their capital city Tenochtitlan. As a side note, I had more trouble spelling Spaniard than Tenochtitlan. There he finds the Aztecs’ leader Montezuma waiting for him on one of the causeways leading into the city. Ignoring the advice of his high generals, Montezuma decides to listen to his priests instead, and allows the Spaniards into his city. As in the whole army Cortez had brought with him. And this was no sightseeing tour; the army stayed there for three months. I can only imagine the Aztecs viewed the strange pale people with lisps as we view the guy who crashes on our couch for weeks at a time. And also has a lisp, although that’s unrelated.
     But in these three months, something strange happened. Cortez and Montezuma, complete opposites on paper, grew to have quite the friendship. Cortez taught his friend how to play chess, and Montezuma (or Monty, as I’m sure Cortez began calling him) took his new European buddy out sailing on Tenochtitlan’s many lakes. Despite being born not knowing the other’s entire continent existed, the two became best buddies. When the totally evil governor of Cuba realized “Hey, maybe I should make sure that Cortez actually steals all this gold instead of becoming best buddies with some Indian” he sends a back up force to make sure Cortez didn’t just die or some such. Hearing that a new army was coming, and fearing for his new best bud’s safety, Cortez races out personally to stop the reinforcements and instead turn them to his “Hey Monty’s a really cool guy, he lets me play as Boba Fett every time” viewpoint.

There was some trouble getting over the whole "human sacrifice" deal.
     However, when he’s gone (successfully) wooing his reinforcements to his side, tragedy strikes as the Spaniards Cortez left behind decide they’ve had enough of this stupid hospitality the Aztecs have been showing them, and take over the city in their leader’s absence.
     Cortez comes back, probably strutting at the front of a giant army talking about how they’re totally going to hit up Tenochtitlan’s strip clubs with Monty, to find the city in flames and his best bud dead at the hands of his men. How’s that sound as a movie?
     P.S. The romantic interest for Cortez is a native named Lady Marina whom he totally bangs a ton and gets three kids out of.
     Genre: Tragic buddy film
     Title: Conquistadors!

2.        2. Squanto’s travels
     Imagine back to what we learned about the Pilgrims, especially related to Thanksgiving. These English people come to America, build their town on the land that was once occupied by living breathing Indians. However, thanks to germs, now the land is open, with only a couple corpses to move. But as winter sets in, Pilgrims begin realizing that they maybe should have done some research into how to grow some food. Enter Squanto, an Indian from the tribe that had originally lived where the Pilgrims now did. Squanto, against the wishes of other tribes in the area, helps the Pilgrims learn how to farm effectively, and later everyone rejoices with a three day feast and a postponement of slaughter for at least two more years.

"No, retards, the seeds go in the ground."
     But the thing about Squanto is that he knew perfect English. How was this possible? Slavery, of course! Squanto was captured, taken to Spain, where he was freed by a kindly master. Then, to earn his way back to his homeland, he worked on farms in England, learning many tricks and techniques. That he later taught to some English colonists. Imagine John Winthrop’s (the city on a hill guy) surprise when a naked Indian walks out from the trees, and speaks to him in the King’s English. Hell, this naked guy probably knew better English than we do today.
      Squanto begins a life of teaching English people English things, and becomes a sort of mentor to the people who would later take over the whole continent.
     Genre: Mentor movie. (Is that a genre? Just think Hoosiers, but with farming instead of basketball and smallpox instead of the star player being out)
     Title: Harvest Moon (On the poster it’d have to show Squanto’s bare ass)

3.         3. The Ultimate fish out of water
     The year is 1492. A redhead Italian is working for the nation of Spain, and he’s not too good at math! Luckily, an entire continent is in his way, which really kinda works out in the “fame and fortune” department. I speak, of course, of Christopher Columbus. This man discovered certain islands that ended up being part of two major continents.
     Can I digress for a second? Two things. One- Yes I know you can’t discover a country where millions of people already live. But for all intents and purposes, you can. Just like every thirteen year old boy discovers an activity that billions before him have, but he still treats it like his own invention. Secondly- Can you imagine living in a world where you don’t know there’s another entire half to the world?
     So for the first half of the movie we have wacky road trip comedy but with ships instead of the father-in-law’s expensive car. On the trip Columbus has to deal with his secondary captains of the Nina and Pinta being goofy Portuguese, trying to take the glory for him at any time. Options are open from ship to ship pranks, signs, all sorts of things.
      The second half of the movie involves Columbus finding land and then having to deal with an entire race of people nobody knew existed. New languages, new cultural traditions and norms, and new STDs must be learned and worked around for success. Hilarity ensues as Columbus’s men are misunderstood in humorous ways. “No, I didn’t want to be bit, I just wanted some food!” It’ll play great in Middle America. Also, there has to be a harem of hot Indians for T&A.
     Genre: Hard R comedy
     Title: Land Ho!

     So whenever Hollywood grows some balls I’m more than willing to let my dreams of seeing a factually correct yet still highly interesting story be prostituted as long as I get 15% and merchandising rights. You read correctly, I want money for any movie that replicates these actual events. Cause that’s just how the world works, bud.

Not for children under 3 years old,

Mick Dickinson