Saturday, February 5, 2011

Four Years of Cinematic Genius

      Everyone has different tastes about everything. Some people believe that nuts belong in brownies, and some people even believe Kesha should be allowed to survive. But aside from deserts, music, and physical attractiveness measures, possibly no other category has as many differing opinions as movies. But I’m here to solve your problem and tell you that there is only one kind of movie that will be forever described as the best. This genre: high school movies.
               
     Sure, they have possibly the worst scripts, acting, and directing of any other films shot in the history of cinema, but darn it, you can’t help but love ‘em. High school movies take every memory you have of those four years, and just poop right on it. No matter what your school was like, this one is more high school-y. Your school had kids playing Frisbee before classes start? Well movie high schools have a hacky sack circle at any given time. One just has to hope that your kids will not grow up watching these movies, lest they think that high school will provide even a slight amount of the events portrayed. Take a look at Billy Madison. Even if the high school was shown for about three minutes, young Mick Dickinson gathered in his eyes a learning center filled with sitting on a hill, experiments involving liquid nitrogen (Chlorophyll? MORE LIKE BOROPHYLL), and elaborate pranks involving manure in lockers. Much like the fat elementary kid, I couldn’t wait to go to height school. Also like the fat elementary kid, I didn’t know that it was pronounced “high” school until I was in eighth grade, and realized that freshmen weren’t that much taller than me.

I always live by Billy's message- "Cherish it."

     All of high school movies might as well be titled “White People Problems.” These plots make the viewer feel better about themselves, as in the case of She’s All That. If I got to go to the prom with Freddie Prinze Jr. I wouldn’t care if he only did it on a bet or not. Also, coincidentally, how many rec centers are on the brink of destruction in this country that we don’t know about? And since when do so many contests with cash prizes get held in random activities? The viewer can offer as many logical solutions to every problem, only to watch the characters continue acting like a twenty something writer’s hazy pot-fueled ideas of teenagers. This may sound like it'd be frustrating, but everything works out in the end, and it teaches people a valuable lesson. That lesson? "It all works out in the end, no matter how much stupid stuff you do."

    Speaking of ideas of teenagers, I’ve graduated high school now, and I still don’t look anywhere close to Luke Perry. I was expecting to have crow’s feet by junior year, and yet I still can’t even grow a legit beard. I’ve gone to high school plays. Obviously they can’t have real high schoolers portray the movie’s high schoolers, that’d just be silly. We’d have chaos. It’d be cookoo bananas.

Luke Perry, 16
     In most high schools, there is undoubtedly a popular group. Now, I’m not quite sure what goes on in these things, as often enough, I was that one who would be in the locker. But if I’ve learned anything from movies, these popular kids did nothing but host school-wide parties when their parents leave for unexplained and widely suspect reasons. And they’d have a separated keg for non-alcoholic beer. Because high schoolers love the taste of beer but just plain hate getting drunk. Also, in back bedrooms, exes hook up. And in high school movie world, locks don’t exist. This is good because it allows the girlfriend to discover her boyfriend’s philandering right before his ex takes her bra off. We wouldn’t want that to happen. Beyond raucous, almost always busted parties, in high school there are always two popular guys, who are more popular than the other popular guys- Black Token and Fat Comedy Relief. These two guys, or Blond Jerkbag and Brown Haired Lesson-learner are friends, yet the biggest rivals in the entire school. They both have dated the hottest girl in their grade. Well, the hottest one that doesn’t wear glasses. She’s not popular enough.

Wow you're ugly.
      High school movies are among the most optimistic creations coming out of Hollywood these days. No matter how many fingerless gloves the school weird kid may own, a Saturday full of detention will always give him the courage and ability to ask out that fiery redhead. No matter how poor you may be you can always hook up with that really rich guy. Because really, isn't that what all poor women want? Even if said poor woman has a two story house and two cars?

   These movies are the best because of the great range that can be portrayed in their characters. Need a stereotypical bully? Well just call up Billy Zabka, get his blond butt in your movie. He’ll attempt to murder whichever protagonist you want. Need a well rounded, inoffensive, believable character? Well then… Uh…

He knows it cause he lived it,

Mick Dickinson

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