Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Don't Stop Believin'

     The American Dream is something that can unite us all. Except for non-Americans. And judging by my reader reports I get from this blog, somebody in France and another in Latvia find their way here at least once a week. But for the most part, we’re all from the great You Ess of Aye, and can attest to the mantra we’ve been told since we knew pooping our pants wasn’t always the best idea (unless a bet is involved)- You can be anything you want to be if you set your mind to it. Now, we all know I’m not going to be a velociraptor, a champion athlete, or a successful panhandler, but that doesn’t mean the phrase doesn’t have some nuts of truth hidden inside it. So in the spirit of Presidents’ Day (I guess), I’ll share some of my ambitions with all ya’ll.

      1. Own a house with numerous secret passages
     I don’t know who I’ll have over, or what they’ll be doing inside of my house, but one thing I do know is that I love the heck out of secret passages. Whether they are used for escape, entrance, avoidance, or plain ol’ surprises and hijinks, my house will have no less than three secret passages. I’ll have to buy a lot of paintings to hide them behind, not to mention all the bookshelves on hinges. I wonder what the market cost to get contractors to put in a swinging bookcase will be. Heck, screw the secret passages thing; I just want swinging bookcases instead of all doors in my house. And they’ll all be triggered by the same book, but in a different spot on the shelves. The book? Common Sense, by Thomas Paine. Because, darnit, I hate those British royalists SO HARD. That's why my favorite amendment is good ol' number three. I ain't quarterin' no troops, shoot.

I'm not sure hiding the fake bookshelf next to the alcohol is such a good idea, but okay.

2.                   2. Domesticate at least one abnormal animal
     I know I already talked about domesticating new types of animals, but I’ve decided I’m not willing to wait till those Ivy League eggheads come down from their ivory towers to train a raccoon how to fetch my slippers and wear a collar. I’m going to take it into my own hands. The only thing I’d want more than a raccoon is possibly a grizzly bear, but I think it could be at least six times more dangerous to approach a wild grizzly bear to slowly gain its trust till it follows you back home. But just imagine being able to take your grizzly bear on walks around the block. Heck, it could take you for rides. Maybe a new ambition would be to invent a grizzly bear saddle. But I’m pretty sure riding endangered animals is illegal in at least 48 states, and there’s no way I’m living in Alabama.

3.                  3. Become a teacher
     Now this is one goal that many people know I have. But what they don’t usually know is what I want to teach. I usually tell them that I’m going to teach high school social studies, like history, economics, and government. Have you ever seen high schoolers in these classes? They’re bored as hell! So instead, I’ve changed my goal. No longer will I assign my dreams to what I’m going to teach, but where. So ask me. I dare you. No, no, don’t leave, I’ll tell you. I’m going to teach at the School of Hard Knocks. That’s right. I don’t care how metaphorical or not real this school is, that’s where I’m going to be taking my talents. Okay, I admit it; I just want to hit kids. That’s what the School of Hard Knocks is, right? (Disclaimer: If it is now four years after I wrote this, I no longer believe in this and would instead love to teach at your school)

Fig. 2.1 of the School of Hard Knocks textbook

4.                   4. Answer a payphone
     Obviously, this isn’t for the glory, or the valor, or even the accolades. This is a very personal thing. I want to answer a phone that nobody has any business calling. When you answer a payphone, you can be anyone you want. You can come right out and tell them it’s a payphone, or you can answer the phone, order a pizza, and get angry when the person doesn’t understand. If you are so inclined, I mean. It’s like a real life chatroom, and you can be SeXyGuRrRlL69 or maybe XXREDNECK24XX if you wanted to. I don’t troll often but damnit, trolling over phone lines is just too beautiful to pass up. Well, I mean dial up internet doesn’t count. Don’t waste my time.

5.                   5. Kick Glenn Beck in the nuts
     Seems pretty straight forward. I’ll give him something to cry about, and that’s being unable to pass his genes on anymore.

His tears fuel my hate-powered nut kicking machine. I've discovered perpetual motion!

6.                   6. Enter a room to applause
     This is the one dream I have that actually has the most chance to succeed. I mean I do hope to get married and commonly enough the reception has little choice but to clap for the bride and groom, mostly for supplying an open bar. But other than that, I want to be slightly late to a class or meeting, only to learn they were all talking about how awesome I am, and decide I’m worth clapping for. Sidenote- I almost said “giving up the claps for” but that’s an entirely different aspiration.

7.                  7. Start a fashion craze
     I have tons of ideas for functional fashion. I call them “functions”… or maybe it should be “fashional”. Those are both pretty much real words, so let’s move on. If you’re anything like me you spend an entire night flirting with some cute girl (or if you’re not like me, a guy) and later that night, finding out (s)he is taken, and in a relationship. Now, how can we solve this? By flat out asking, possibly working it into casual conversation like a normal person? No! By starting a trend of meaningful, color-coded wristbands. Everyone knows the stoplight colors, so let’s apply that to relationships. Girls, if you’re in a relationship, please start wearing red wristbands. It screams “Hey, don’t even try here, go strike out with some other girl.” Single, but not ready for any sort of commitment? Why, try yellow! What about us who are single and desperately lonely? Green! Another idea- get the yellow/green wristbands make them reversible so if you’re getting chatted up by some goober, just flip the wristband on over and BOOM. Not ready for a relationship, buddy.

He's cookin' them Cs like a pound of bacon,

Mick Dickinson

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