Monday, February 28, 2011

Dance Dance Revolution

     The world can be a tough place to understand. New events happen faster than the speed at which they can be understood and then analyzed by 24 hour cable news networks relentlessly, wondering how these events will affect the party in power’s chances of wearing flag pins vs. letting the terrorists win. While many people subscribe to the theory that ignorance is bliss, there’s no escaping the fact that what happens abroad does indeed change situations here in the greatest country in the world, ‘Murica. So instead of refusing to learn things like the state of economic struggle in Northern Africa, the fantastic and largely incorrect history of Serbia, or where Europe is on the globe, I urge everyone to start paying attention to the world’s events and preparing for them to hit home in numerous ways (gas prices).

     However, it is very hard to understand the current state of world affairs without knowing anything about history. History is, obviously, the usually extremely tedious study of what other people did back before women thought armpit hair was gross enough to shave (see mid 20th century). But it is studied by many very boring and odd loners and one extremely handsome, well adjusted blog writer who find history oddly compelling (also the blog writer’s beautiful and extremely non-vengeful sister-in-law, who might be reading this). The analyzing of motivations of people from centuries long past create a rich tapestry of human actions, many of which remain constant throughout the ages. While many technologies and some lifestyles have changed, human nature has not, which is what makes history such an interesting thing to study. For instance, if you just think “What would I do if I was king of Spain in the late 15th century?” you’ll probably come up with “Kick Jews and Muslims out, and finance an Italian with faulty math to most likely go drown in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean” too. 

"Psh, later, loser." -Queen Isabella, 1492
     Unfortunately, there is no doubt that nobody wants to read a normal, everyday history textbook-style blog post about certain events in the world long past that would help us organize our minds around current events, like the democratic uprisings happening in North Africa. NOTE- These countries (Egypt, Tunisia, Libya) are NOT in the Middle East. That area is Africa, darn it. So in order to avoid droning on and on like some sort of history teacher that I’m going to become, I’ve boiled down the premier theory on how democracy is like grinding at a high school dance.

     Okay. I know that seems like an odd thesis statement, but stick with me. I’ll reiterate- Political revolutions are like school dances. Every modern day nation is made up of two large, often competing bodies- the government and the people, or citizens, it rules over. For the sake of this metaphor, the girl is the government while the guy is the people at large, functioning as one body (which, as we know, is very simplified. Stick with me, for goodness sakes). This relationship is troubled, full of jealousy, and flowing over with angry sex, but for the most part they love each other and are happy to stay together, mostly because the guy can’t find anybody else. Have you seen the global dating scene these days? Everyone’s making rules about who can and can’t leave their girlfriends to come give some new countries a try.

"Ooh, you're a communist dictatorship? Sorry, that's kind of a deal breaker..."
      But for this example, you need to go back to high school. Depending on how far you are from that hell-hole, you may not remember dances the same way I do. Namely, if my mother keeps reading this blog, she probably won’t get the metaphor as well as, say, a fellow classmate whom I've begged to just read my blog please JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE… Ahem. So in order to level the playing field, in high school dances, there is a thing called “grinding”. To cut to the chase, this involves a girl rubbing her butt on a guy’s crotch. Sounds gross, but feels pretty nice. I can’t wait to be a chaperone so I can bust all of these pairs up.

     Let’s cut to the actual metaphor. America, (the first successful commoner-lead revolution) is like the first couple to start grinding. In real life, these people have been dating for a long time and are happy just doin’ their own thing, livin’ life with each other. Everyone else looks at them and is like "That's super weird" but it's kinda classy, you know? They're just off in some strange corner of the gym (world) all by themselves, having a good time with each other. It may have taken the guy about 3 years to convince this girl to leave her last relationship as a part of England, but it was worth it. And you just know the guys (the citizens) in other relationships are looking at this pair with some jealous eyes and saying "I wish my lady would dance with me like that, cause that looks like quite a bit of fun." Meanwhile, all the girls look at the group and at America's lady and say "What a slut. I mean come. on." 

     So this other couple, France, gets it in their head they'll start grinding together. We all know the people in France's position, the second group to start dancing. If America's all classy and keeping it clean, France just gets down and nasty. Imagine America’s lady as the Statue of Liberty. Wearing kind of a toga-ish dress to the dance, yeah, but she’s also got a book to read while she waits, and got some very conservative flat sandals for her feet. Now imagine France. France’s lady is probably drunk off some wine, screaming about how she wants some cake to eat, and her boobs are probably falling out of her sleeveless, strapless dress. The guy won’t stop talking about how he’s totally going to art school, how he just wants bread, and keeps making vague sexual references about he’s going to “storm her Bastille,” whatever that means. He’s weird like that. It's no coincidence that "entendre" is a French word. But France is all over the place, lickin’ each other up and down, it's pretty gross. A really nasty revolution indeed. You might say the French are revolting! You’ll be lucky not to see the guy of France get some head right out there on the dance floor. Yes, I know that image is very vulgar, but a historical pun is totally worth it.

Girl, hike up yo damn dress.

      Since these French people have made such a gross muck up of the dance America started doing so classy, everyone else around the gym decides "Hey we can do that and still be classier than those French!" So they start dancing too, and democracy spreads! But even with the good example that America set, and the bad example that France showed that’s easy to avoid, some girls don’t feel comfortable dancing with their man. These girls usually run the relationship, deciding what movie they’re going to watch on dates, what tie he wore to the dance, and, say, what the price of gas and food was going to be inside their borders. These girls are the type that if they have the resources, they’d build statues to themselves, ya feel me? The guys that are caught in this unhealthy relationship pretend like they’re okay with it, but you just know they keep glancing over to the other couples with sad eyes. Unfortunately, America gets it in their head to be that obnoxious douche to start making people dance with each other even when it's awkward and they're not ready for it, so people kinda think of America as meddling when really, the couple is just trying to let everyone else in on the fun.
'Murrica.

     So there you go. Approximately 250 years of history stacked into blog post about rubbing a butt on a crotch that totals less than 1,500 words. History can be fun, and be full of rambling metaphors!

Doin' the bulldance, feelin' the flow,

Mick Dickinson

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