Tuesday, December 28, 2010

X-Mas and X-Menos

Yes, I know Christmas was half a week ago (depending on when you’re reading this) and I don’t care. It’s just the way I work. And as a late Christmas present (Happy belated birthday, Jesus! Sorry my card didn’t make it.) I’m writing a blog post about the holiday itself. I know, that’s quite the turn of events. But enough fiddling around, let’s get our ugly sweaters on and talk ourselves some Christmas.
            First of all, let me axe you something. What’s the worst Christmas present you’ve ever gotten? I’m sure you can probably beat my grandma at buying me gifts, and you don’t even know me that well. For all you know, I’m a typo-making, misogynistic, big-word-using program that was developed to write messily written blog posts. Think an inane President Eden from Fallout 3. But whatever gift you’re thinking is the worst, you’re wrong. The worst gift is socks. No hatred towards anyone who’s given me socks before as a present, but they’re just wrong in every way. Have you ever received a package of socks and not immediately gone “Oh.”? That’s not a noise that should be made on Christmas morning. Thank God it’s never happened to me but can you imagine being a little kid and sneaking a peek at one of your presents on Christmas Eve and the package you pick to look at is socks?

Well Christmas is ruined. Is it Halloween yet?
            Socks are an awful present for several reasons. 1st strike- They’re clothes. Clothes are the touchiest subject in the long and storied history of gift giving. With clothes it’s either hate or grow to hate slowly. Kinda like my relationships… I’m sorry, I’m digressing. And by “digressing” I mean “sobbing.” But socks are the worst kind of clothes. No one likes wearing socks, we just deal with them. And socks are also the least personal thing you can buy to wear on your body. “Merry Christmas! I got you some plain white things to hide underneath your shoes!” Underwear is more personal, even if it’s just boxers.

"I know you like your balls to be comfortable, so I got you boxers."

            2nd strike against socks- they’re useful. They’re a very good thing to have. This doesn’t always translate to a good thing to receive, and people don’t get that. I will take free socks any day but once decorative paper is involved it just loses something. Useful items make for an awkward gift. When’s the last time you got mouthwash as a present and didn’t immediately smell your breath? Well I get mouthwash in my stocking every year, that’s who gets mouthwash as a present. I also got a book about why I’m an awesome son because my mom doesn’t quite get the whole “Santa” concept.

"You are my son, now."

            3rd strike- Socks are just socks. That may sound kind of odd but think about it. How do you spruce up socks? No matter how you present them there’s always that moment the receiver looks the giver in the eyes and the giver says- “It’s socks.” And no matter how the giver may say it out loud, it is always ended with a period. Socks don’t deserve an exclamation point. Ever.
           But as we all know, the Christmas season comes to end, and New Year’s is next. One of the most common traditions during this holiday is, of course, resolution making. I think everyone knows the base concept of resolutions, but just in case you don’t, I’ll explain them. Resolutions are like goals, but they’re only made once a year, and broken sometime around March. Many New Year’s resolutions last less time than Lenten promises. Although how many times can we give up touching ourselves caffeine before it actually takes? When I say turning a new leaf, what do you think? People getting hammered?! Yeah me neither. I really wish that New Year’s would just pick a theme and stick with it. Are we celebrating the year that has been, like some sort of open-bar funeral? Or should we be looking forward to the next 52 weeks and trying to make ourselves better? I suppose some would say that puking in more toilets than last year is an accomplishment in its own way. But those people don’t deserve to have a voice. And I don’t mean symbolically or politically, I mean literally. They shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Now, let's party.

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            Because I really don’t know where else to put this, and I can’t see me expanding it into a whole post, I’m putting a bonus observation here. For Christmas, or some such. Democracy is rule by the common people, and a republic is ruled by the elites. However, the United States is a democratic republic. How does Congress solve this paradox? By being really rich people that are just as stupid (if not stupider) than the common American. Woo! U-S-A! U-S-A!

The first person to notice that “reason” and “season” rhymed,

Mick Dickinson

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