Serbians are my favorite nationality. They’re quickly followed by Germans at second and Antarticans at third. Can you blame me? Penguins are so darn cute. Least favorite nationality? Texans. I have such a huge man crush on the country of Serbia that a political map of Serbia crops up as my desktop background twice a day. I never skip over it like I do with the picture of two lobsters having a knife fight.
|Also, would Lobster Knife Fight not be an awesome name for a band?!|
I sincerely believe that due to the fact I’ve recently been informed that some people could not point out Europe on a map if asked, I thought it prudent to inform you guys of my favorite Balkan nation, Serbia. The Fightin’ Serbians!
The country of Serbia has a long and storied history. Scholars maintain all of it was destroyed by Bosnian buttmunches in 1984 after a ball tipped over the necessary file cabinet during an exhibition football match. Serbia’s recovered history (the pages that did not fall in the mud) begins in 1915 when the Serbian separatist group the Black Hand assassinated pop-punk band Franz Ferdinand, beginning World War One. “The Black Hand” is commonly regarded as the most B.A. separatist group name, edging out “The Tibetan Passive-Aggressors.” Later, a nameless Serbian decided America wasn’t a big enough pimp in the world, and denied a young Adolf Hitler from art school, starting World War Two.
|"This guy sucks." - Serbia|
Serbians were denied a sovereign homeland by the newly formed United Nations, who were too afraid of the Serbs. Also, Bosnian buttmunches lobbied against Serb independence from Yugoslavia. Historians commonly refer to this action as “cool older brother” syndrome, comparable to when a nerdy little brother refuses to let his jock, sex-machine older brother go to college to slay some poon. That slut Greece wants it so bad. Instead, the U.N. gave the coveted “Free Ethnic State” coupon to the Jews, who promptly plopped down Israel in the middle of then-existing Palestine. Serbians would have been jealous, but they have no concept of jealousy as they always win in everything they do. In response to Israel getting a home state and not Serbian, its citizens created a word that generally translates to “pity-hate”.
Serbians had a brief stint during the cold-war experimenting with communism. But in my analogy from earlier, Serbia is in college. Experimentation is what school is all about. Also, the leader of Yugoslavia (Serbia’s band, basically) was named Tito, which is a pretty boss dictator name.
Serbia finally gained its independence after those buttmunches at the U.N. finally convinced Bosnia to get a divorce. Yes, Bosnia has been a little brother, a band member (probably keys to Serbia’s lead guitar), and now Serbia’s wife in my analogies. Things are freaky in Eastern Europe like that. Serbia was a free man. He went to a few strip clubs and things got a little crazy. Serbia woke up in the gutter, penniless. However, the country of Serbia has learned from his mistakes, and is currently on the rise. Also he totally got Macedonia’s phone number, and is so gonna tap that at Romania’s kegger.
|What a slut.|
Serbia has its own language. As Serbs are too busy doing more important things than creativity, the language is called Serbian. Serbian can be written in both Cyrillic and Serb Latin, making it twice as easy for Serbs to insult you on your gravestone.
Many Serbian names end in ić, pronounced “ich”. Scientists believe this statistic encompasses almost 98% of Serbians. A theory tracks this phenomenon to one unimaginative man that worked at Serbia’s version of Ellis Island, called Ellić Island. All of these ićs running around created an ić-dominated environment in Serbia. One example is the fact that the Serbian World Cup team started all 11 players with this last name suffix. This is an obvious corruption as Drago Ceranic, the best Serbian soccer player to ever grow a beard, was left off of the team, although he could start in every position, including referee. More on Drago later.
Serbia is the strong man in the Balkan area. Serbia’s imports include magnum condoms, scented candles, Newsweek magazines, and trophy wives. Their leading exports are Bosnians, tennis athletes, terrific beards, and JV soccer coaches. Serbia’s GDP is an estimated $Texas, based on no research whatsoever.
Serbia is an Eastern European country, which means that things are all sorts of crazy. Family is important to Serbians as they can always count on some backup in a gang rumble, which happens often in this Balkan nation. Researchers estimate that a full 46% of motorcycle chains go towards choking out rival families from up the block. Money is a sensitive topic to Serbians, as the Serbian word for money literally means “mother-goat”. Often times, the citizens will take words out of context and go home to get their motorcycle chain.
The Serbian national animal is the white eagle, but the mascot for Serbs is the bear with sharks for arms, symbolizing the culture’s approval of biting over punching or clawing.
Some important dos and don’ts for Serbia- Do: know where the country is located while present. Don’t: shake hands with gloves on, as Serbs are distrustful of magicians. Do: always offer to pay for the first round as a guest. Don’t: chew gum or have a toothpick in your mouth while meeting someone new, Serbians consider it being unready for a fight or chugging contest.
Now we come to the meat of the matter. Everyone wants to find that special Serbette or Draga to spend the rest of their life with. Serbian dating is much like American relationships, but with more safewords. In order to attract a Serbian female, grow a beard. Beards for Serbians are like a lobster’s claws or ram’s horns. They symbolize fertility and favorable genes to pass on to adorable Serbian offspring. Dark, full beards are the second most important physical attribute, after flat brows. A common Serbette’s dream man is a man with a beard darker than a Bosnian’s heart and a brow flat enough to have its own irrigation system. The most attractive man in Serbia? Drago Ceranic.
Drago Ceranic is the Serbian ideal of a perfect specimen. He can tie his shoes with his feet. His beard is like the dark side of the moon. Once, he created a scale model of the Eiffel tower with a cherry stem using only his tongue. Several women present in the room instantly became pregnant with his children. Drago coaches JV soccer and his team, lead by perfectly picked captains, made it to the varsity state final, before being eliminated for starting a brawl due to mistaken identity of the opposing teams coach. My life’s goal was accomplished that day.
Drago can print money using only a pencil and paper, but refuses to use this talent for criminal means. He only drinks the finest beer made from the tears of orphans. But Drago is a kind man. These tears are from joy, not pain.
Drago Ceranic can kill two stones with one bird.
Serbia is a land of opportunity. Whether it be for counterfeit jeans, to find a Serbette to settle down with, or to simply visit the birthplace of the great Drago Ceranic, many things can be accomplished in this great nation. So I hope you learned some things today. And for God’s sake, look at a map every once and awhile.
Some people may argue against this whole post using things like "logic" and "facts". To that I say, "Screw off, Matt."
Te poučavati mene pa JA poučavati te,