Monday, December 20, 2010

Chicks, man.

Ladies, you and I need to have a little talk. No, this isn’t me trying to get some time alone with you away from prying eyes, although heaven knows I’d be all for it. This is me trying to talk some sense into your heads, for the good of men everywhere. Although they can all go soak their heads, as I’m the only one you need. Excuse me, I’m getting off track.

Today we’ll be discussing three things; fashion, men, and your body image. Why these three? Well, to be frank, those are the three things I could come up with that could hopefully cover some space. And you always need at least three items in any given list. All joking aside, that’s an important lesson. Also, any number under 11 should be expressed in words, not numerals. Write those down. I’ll meet you at the next paragraph after you’re done.

Derp derp derp
Okay, fashion. Now, although I’ve never seen a man eat his own face, I have seen a lot in my day. I once saw a dog pooping through a chain link fence. I’ve also seen UGG boots. I’ve committed this blog to be curse free, and as such, my vocabulary might be a little limited when it comes to this topic. UGG boots might be the stupidest pieces of clothing I’ve ever seen. And it’s not the actual boot, it’s how girls have decided to wear them. I get that they’re very warm and very comfortable. I’ve described one of my furry sweatshirts as resembling an UGG boot. The UGG boot comes up to mid calf, like most boots. Except the boot I’m gonna break off in your butt if you don’t realize what’s wrong with the idea of tucking your sweatpants/jeans into the boot. You look honestly ridiculous. If you saw a man tuck his jeans into a high sock, wouldn’t it be kind of a huge turn off? Or say you see a cute guy, trudging through campus. It’s just recently snowed, and he’s wearing his snow boots. But for some reason, he’s tucked his pants into some flat brown shoes renowned not for their looks, but for durability? The design of these shoes are basically the exact same, why would it be different for women? Stupid things look stupid on both sexes. The only item of clothing you can tuck into UGGs are tights, because obviously tights would look stupider stretched over the boot.

I think I would know
about tights and Shakespeare
         Which brings me to my next point- Where did tights come from?! I graduated last spring, thinking of tights as something to wear in Shakespeare or to wear under mini-skirts, thereby ruining the whole point of the mini-. But I get to UNI and things were different. I pointed out to some people a girl I saw wearing only the tights. Keep in mind, this is in mid-August, and she had flip-flops on her feet. Which, because of the tights, brought the thong total up to three, if ya catch my drift. Anyhoo, I pointed this girl out, and turn the corner, and there’s another one. And another one. I stay on campus to find it’s become quite the trend. And just so we’re clear, tights are the opposite of UGG boots. I cannot fathom why anyone would want to wear tights as an everyday item, but unlike UGGs, I couldn’t be happier. It’s a hilarious mix. Women wear UGGs to impress other women, and they wear tights to impress or otherwise catch the attention of men. Just to be clear, when men dress beyond a t-shirt, they dress for women. No man puts on his nice jeans and thinks about what men are going to say. It’s all about the ladies. You girls should be flattered.

"What's Bruce going to say?"- No straight man

          Men actually aren't hard to figure out. They act for two major reasons- a sense of accomplishment, and getting an “in” with women. For lots of men, these two motivations complete each other. And yes, I know I said always have three items in a list, but honestly, I can’t think of another reason men do things outside of general charity, which is more of an overall human thing. But why do men do things for these reasons? Because, when you get down to it, that about covers everything in life. Why do men get jobs? Well, to buy a bunch of stuff, really. This stuff impresses women. Now, I’m not being sexist. It’s been proven scientifically that women look for material wealth in men. It’s just how their brains are wired. Now, those brains are 10% smaller and this might explain why women suck at math. Now I’m being sexist. If men could get women while living in a tent and riding in a 1996 Chevy Lumina, then that’s what they’d do. Have you ever been in a tent?! It’s awesome. If you can put your legs all the way out and not touch the sides of the tent, I would live there forever. Obviously, it would need to be a spot I can pirate Wi-Fi from, but I think that’s a given. And I know for a fact it is impossible to pick up women while driving a 1996 Chevy Lumina. Three years of experience tell me so.

Awwwww yeah. Pimp-mobile.
          One of the main things girls don’t often get about men is why we spend so much time playing video games. Especially if their man is like me, and often gets extremely angry at the game yet refuses to stop playing. This is because of man’s need to achieve. Successful games have special prizes rewarding players for doing things. Yes, in the time it took me to do a triple back flip in a pink motorcycle in GTA IV I could have earned $60 for donating plasma, but to my mind, they are equally important. My ego even goes as far to be more proud of a square inch of pixels changing on a TV screen that no one but me is going to notice than having money from sitting in a chair having my blood drained from me. Similar confusing things about men can be traced to this, like trying to build something without directions, or refusing to ask for help while lost- men all like to figure things out for themselves because then the sense of achievement is greater upon completion. A man’s confidence is connected to what he thinks he can do on his own merit. We’re the gender version of the American Dream.

          But as for body image- ladies, you’re beautiful. Don’t let people tell you otherwise. The biggest myth about beauty is that men want stick figures. I honestly don’t know where this started. Ask any man about what goes into an attractive woman and I’m sure the word “big” will be used. Now, it probably won’t be followed by “gut” obviously, but all men are looking for is health. Really. If you’re of a healthy weight, it’s fine. Women need to understand that if I can observe you have an extra rib at the beach, then that is just disgusting. I don’t want to think I can break you if I hug you too hard.

Exhibit A. Also a good excuse for "Christina Hendricks"
 to be in my Google Search bar.
          Also, white people walk like this, but black people walk like this. Am I right, folks? Discuss.

A man's man (but he prefers women a lot more),
Mick Dickinson

1 comment:

  1. I would point out that you forgot to tell me to screw off, but I'd rather look at Christina Hendricks